Healing some more

I finished that article, and for the first time in a few years it felt GREAT!! I am so very proud of the article, its one of my best I think. There seems to be a maturity to my writing that was not there before. I think its because of my experiences in the last 9 years, and how much I have changed from what I was before. I look back over the past 5 years and am amazed at how different I am now, from what I was in June 2000. Most of these changes have been for the good and I believe I am a much better person than I have ever been. As a slave, I have reached a place where my need to please, serve and such are very strong and they come naturally again. I do not have to force them, or coerce myself or anything, it just comes on its own. I missed that a great deal, but was terrified to do it again. Now, I'm not afraid and my desires are stronger than they were before.

I know I still have issues and areas that need work, but I know I will make it and some day those too will be gone.

Working Out The Writing Problem

Well, Master has given me a new task. I am to work on one essay/article per week and preferably finish it. The finishing part depends on how far along the article is in rough draft form. He chose "Common Myths About Slaves and Slavery" as the first one since it is entirely written as a rough draft and just needs to be flushed out a bit and the re-written. If I do not have it completed by Friday night, I will be punished.

I have had to use the tape recorder a few times when thoughts came to mind, rather than trying to write them down and thus losing them. It has come in very handy and has helped me a great deal. I still feel afraid and nervous while I am writing, but at least I can still write. I think it is affecting the writing itself though. It seems to me that the article is convoluted and confusing in places and in others I missed the mark completely and I know it.

I find myself going back and forth between fear and anger over this whole thing. My mind knows Master won't yell at me, or manipulate me through fear over my writing, but my heart can't seem to believe it completely. I keep getting odd thoughts like "He's going to be mad that I'm sitting here wasting my time writing when there are other things I could do" and I keep expecting him to start yelling at me, or to take the notebook away. But all he does is smile when he sees me writing, and its a happy smile, not a sarcastic or snide one. Slowly I am relaxing about it and as this week has gone on, I've had less trouble writing with each day. Maybe this will work. I sure hope it does, I really do.

I miss writing and working on the web site on a regular basis. They were such a part of me, part of my identity, who and what I am. Without them something was missing, something large and I had no choice but to adjust to that. Now I'm trying to change it back, and it is really hard. The web site is like 6 months behind on updates, and I have something like 50 articles in varying stages of writing.

It pisses me off to no end, that one person...one measly little person, could so easily take away so much of what makes me Raven. That I allowed it to happen makes me every angrier. I knew what Jack was doing but I just couldn't admit it to myself. The idea that I was in such a situation again just blew my mind and I couldn't accept it. Its taken a real long time for me to get back to myself as far as I have and some things have changed for good most likely.

Master's patience, understanding and guidance have been so wonderful. Without them I don't think I would have healed as much as I have. Without him, I would have succeeded in shutting off my submissive nature out of self preservation. I am so glad to have him and so lucky too!

Difficulty with Writing

Anyone who knows me, knows that I greatly enjoy writing. I write all kinds of things. Poetry, prose, fictional stories, non fictional stories, essays and educational articles for topics that interest me and that I have experience in. My web site, Leather and Roses, means a great deal to me because of my enjoyment of both writing and learning. My main reasons for continuing to work on the site are:

1. I enjoy helping others learn and LnR has a large number of educational essays on BDSM related topics designed to help others learn. (over 1000 pages)
2. I enjoy writing essays and articles that explain bdsm related topics in a way that is easy to understand and non-judgmental.
3. I want LnR to be a non-biased web site. One that contains many different points of view, rather than just one point of view. This is because each relationship is different, and what works for one person doesn't not work for every person. So by providing varying points of view, I make it easier for people who are learning bdsm to find what will work for them.

In Arizona, Jack told me that he was proud of my abilities as a writer. He said he was proud of the web site. He also said that he would never take either of those things away from me as they mean so much to me and because I am good at it. As time went on he broke that promise. When I wrote or worked on the site, he started complaining that I was ignoring him, ignoring the family, and not fulfilling my duties as his slave . On a couple of occasions I was punished for things I wrote (both in essays or in my journal). I developed a major fear of Jack and his reactions to things, and after a while I stopped writing or working on the site in order to appease Jack so I would not be yelled at, punished, completely ignored or any other number of negative (and harmful to me) responses he would give me. Because of this I quickly developed a mental block about writing. I did not realize it was there, nor how strong it was until I moved to Florida.

When I tried to write here, I would start to shake. I'd feel panicky and terrified to be caught. Master tried to soothe me by telling me the same complimentary things Jack told me. But my recent experiences made it impossible for me to believe him. The writing block continued. It reached a point where I no longer even tried to write because I was starting to have anxiety attacks when I did try. Master chose to follow his instincts on this one and leave it alone for a while. This was to give me time to heal a lot of the other things that were wrong with me at the time. He figured that if I healed everything else, the writing would come back.

Well I have managed to heal a great deal of the issues I came to Florida with and am proud of myself for doing so. About 8 months ago Master realized I hadn't added any article to the website that I had written myself since the abuse articles I put up in 2000. This really upset him. He was not angry with me, he was upset that someone had gone so far to erase my desire to write and replace it with a fear of punishment for writing and thus a fear of writing. He asked me to write an article for an IRC channel we were taking part in on a regular basis. The channel was doing an "E-zine" kind of thing and wanted me to write something for it. I decided to write an article on the Value Of A Slave. So I opened Word 2000 and tried to write. I got the introductory paragraph in but then hit that same fear based block and couldn't do it. I started shaking and sweating. I told Master I could not do it and begged forgiveness. Well, he was out of patience and gave me an order to write the article no matter what and gave me a time limit. This made the fear worse at first, but I kept telling myself that he was doing this to help me, not hurt me and that he wouldn't punish me for it. It took a great deal of effort but I got the article done in a rough draft form.

Since then I have done 10 more rough drafts or outlines of different articles. I can do that much easily again. The block reappears when it is time to do the re-write and clean the article up of any errors and unclear statements. So now I can't do that part, and so "Value of a Slave" remains unfinished in my mind, but is posted on that ezine site.

I was speaking to a friend of mine, Fire-Soul, today and we got on the topic of writing. He came across an article I wrote on LNR and said it needed to be updated. I read it and could clearly see where it needed updated. Ideas popped into my head, I started getting excited and then BOOM there was the fear and I just couldn't think of a single thing!!!! I told Fire-Soul of this reaction and he said I should write notes when ideas hit me. I told him that when I try to start writing them down, the ideas just disappear, they're just gone. So he came back at me with the idea of using a tape recorder, since I told him I can speak about my ideas, the outlines and even whole paragraphs of an article. He said I should talk to the tape recorder so that when I go to sit down and actually write it, I can use the tape recorder to remind me of what I wanted to say. I think that is a wonderful idea! I can't believe I hadn't thought of it myself. That's probably because I try hard not to think about having lost something that meant so very much to me. Hell, being able to write the way I could was *ME*. It meant so much to me, gave me a purpose, a goal. It satisfied so many needs in me like the need to learn new things, the need to help others learn new things, the need to create things that others would enjoy (be it a story, poem or cross stitch). I really have missed not being able to write the way I used to. So I will use the recorder and see if it helps. I think it will because the tape will be my memory of what I wanted to say or where I wanted to take the essay, rather than my mind.

My hope now is that by using the tape recorder, I will eventually reach a point where it won't be necessary anymore unless I start interviewing others to put their experiences and points of view on the site. Ohhhh, interesting idea!

Ok..That's enough for today. Thank you so much Fire-Soul, you don't know how much this means to me. If it works, I owe you big big big time!!!

Raven

Thoughts that hit over the holidays

As you may or may not know, I am helping a close friend of mine as she heals herself from a very abusive relationship that lasted 7 years. Lets call them Jill and Phil. Phil treated Jill very badly, so that even now (months after having left him) she still fees this need to contact him once a while, though he does not know its her. Part of me wants so badly to tell her not to do this because it will be bad in the long run. But then I think, I was still talking to Jack after I left him. Of cousre he blamed everything on me, and I always felt like a completely waste of skin every time I spoke to him. But it was like this cumpulsion. Part of me so badly needed his approval, needed him to say I did something right finally instead of something wrong. Of course that never came, and eventually I had to realize it never was going to come. Jack is just incapable of seeing how hard others try to mak him happy. He never truly appreciates what others do for him.

Over the Christmas holidays I found myself wondering time to time if he was having a good holiday. And every time that thought crossed my mind I mentally kicked myself in the ass. I should not care if his holidays are good or if they suck for the rest of his life. Why can't I stay angry with him? Is it becuase I was trained so well that he is not wrong, I am? Is it because I can't shake the belief that I was the failure?

I know I was not the failure, I know I did every thing I could do to please him, no matter how humiliating it was to myself. But it was never enough. Sometimes remembering this makes me so angry!! and I know the anger is a normal. I know I did the best I could, but sometimes I just don't believe it. I think this is a common pitfall that submissives in general tend to fall for.

Ok I'm falling asleep..going to stop here.

Just some thoughts

I have thought, off and on, about Jack's having shown up in my chatroom. I went back and forth between feeling stupid for feeling fear, and realizing that it is a normal response to his presence. It bothers me that part of me still fears him 4 years later. I do not like being afraid of people or anything. It forces me to realize that I have no completely healed from that relationship which ticks me off because I want so badly to be completely healed from it. I am not very patient when it comes to myself and issues within myself. Rather funny considering I have so much patience with other people.

I've had a couple of bad dreams since that night. One had him turning into Ron then back into Jack and that one woke me up in tears. Maybe I should have woken Ron up but I was feeling afraid to speak to or see anyone and forget being touched. My mind keeps popping up thoughts of Jack and what we went through, sometimes good stuff, but mostly the bad. And I dont like it. I don't like focusing on it. I know I was not wrong in my judgement that what he did was abusive. But the part of me that always felt guilty (for everything with him) still pipes up, and it did this past week quite a bit, telling me that I was wrong. Not a very comfortable thought, but one I"m sure Jack would like since he spent so much time saying it was all my fault.

Why do abuse victims spend so much time feeling like everything is their fault? I know why, beacuse the abuser makes damn sure that they do it. They erode the victim's self esteem until the victim can't help but take the blame for everything because they believe they are some kind of horrible rotten person. But I can't help but wonder WHY, why do they do this. What do they get out of it? Its like my mind just can't grasp all the reasons the phsychologists give, all the reasons I know to be at least partly true. Still my mind ponders this question. Maybe its more acurate to say that I wonder why me, still. I'm not sure. I do know that I am partly at fault for this having occured to me because I refused to follow my instincts which were telling me something was wrong here. Not following my instincts has always caused my worse trouble in life. But I don't listen, which is my own fault. Every bad relationship takes two, even an abusive one. The difference is that in an abusive one, the vast majority of fault lies with the abuser rather than the victim.

OK, my mind is going in circles. I hate when it does that.

A Ghost Reappears

Jack showed up in my chat room #Leather_and_Roses two nights ago. As soon as I saw his nick I was shocked and scared. He said he only came in to see if all of us were okay "what with all the storms and such". But my initial response to that statement from him was complete disbelief. I actually asked him more than once why he was there, though his answer did not change. I just couldn't shake the feeling that he must have some ulterior motive for showing up. I really do not like feeling that way. It bothers me to feel wary of someone, always waiting for the other shoe to fall and exerting extreme amounts of energy to be damn sure that every thing I say or do is non-offensive or gives him (hopefully) no excuse to get angry with me. It angered me to feel myself slipping right back into that same mental state that I lived in for so long. It scared me at how easy it was to do it too.

I have worked so hard in the past 4 years to undo all the damage that was done, to replace all the negatives with, at the very least, a more balanced viewpoint or, better yet, a positive. And when he shows up without warning, for the first 15 minutes or so it felt as if much of that work was erased.

Part of me really would like to believe that he has changed. That he has no ulterior motives in coming to LnR. But that self-protective part of me just can't believe that completely. Which is probably a good thing because it may prevent me from doing something stupid like actually trusting him again in any way beyond casual acquaintance.

I decided that maybe the best way to deal with my fear was to face him and deal with him rather than just kick him out of channel and hide from him. We now live thousands of miles apart, so the possibility of him being able to harm me easily is a very slim one. And despite everything that happened between us, I just can't envision him taking such a long drive just to come yell at me or try to hurt me.

I had bad dreams that night and last night as well. Dreams where I was still living in his house, as his slave (victim). I was totally devoid of emotion other than fear. In one of the dreams I actually sat there while he screamed insults and obscenities in my face for a mistake I did not make. In another I re-lived that day where he literally punished me so frequently that by 4 or 5 in the afternoon I was afraid to breathe. I woke up shaking and scared. I actually had to go walk through the house to reassure myself that he was not there. I felt so stupid for doing that. I do not understand why his showing up like that managed to unsettle me so badly. I got mad at myself and kept telling myself its been four years, this shouldn't be bothering me this badly anymore.

Until he showed up, it hadn't been bothering me much at all anymore. I have finally begun to write again. I still have to struggle against the belief that I'll be punished for wasting my time writing, but it isn't so strong that I get writer's block anymore. I managed to write an entire article entitled "The Value Of A Slave". Its a good article too.

I have made a great deal of progress in the past 4 years. What helped the most was the patience, understanding and constant support of my husband. I know I would not have made this much progress if I did not have him in my life. But with Jack in channel it felt like all that progress was nothing but a mirage, a joke..Totally unreal.

Maybe this was God's way of reminding me how easily a survivor of abuse can become a victim all over again. How easy it is to fall back into those same behavior patterns that a victim uses to survive the abuse in the first place. Those same behaviors that the victim uses to try and be invisible to their abuser so they won't be screamed at, physically assaulted or whatever form the abuse takes in that relationship. In my relationship with Jack it never reached a point of physical abuse and I still believe that if I had engaged in an s/m scene with him during my last two weeks there, that he would have used the cover of a "scene" to physically beat me into staying with him. Everything else had already been tried and failed; all those things that had worked at least once (and more than once in many cases) did not work in those last few weeks. After each method failed, he started really pushing for a scene and I kept coming up with excuse after excuse for not having one.

I kept reminding myself that the dreams were just that, dreams. And that the fears were nothing but ghosts that can't really harm me. I kept mentally listing all the ways that I know I have gotten better in an attempt to convince myself that I was no longer the trainwreck that I had become by June of 2000.

When the intensity of the shock and fear wore off a bit, I talked to Jack. In open channel I told him that I was still afraid of him, that I did not trust him at all, and that I was not comfortable with him being in LnR. I also told him flat out that the only reason I will allow him to continue to come in is that I think it might help me to finally get over my fear of him completely. I did engage in a polite, almost friendly, conversation with him. He updated me on customers that I had known who had passed on. He was telling me about how many bee jobs he has been doing. Once the shock wore off and the fear calmed down a little, I was even able to almost enjoy the conversation. One of my worst faults is that I am too willing to give people second chances even when I probably shouldn't.

After many set backs, mistakes, emotional fall outs and psychological explosions I have finally managed to submit again. Not to Jack, of course, but to my husband/master. He is the most patient, considerate and loving man I have ever known. He chose to move very slowly with me, taking it one step at a time and not increasing the intensity of the power exchange until he felt completely sure that I was ready for it. A few times I did push him into moving forward before he felt completely sure that I was ready, and it blew up in our faces. Because of those times he very quickly learned to trust only his own instincts in this area, rather than let himself be swayed by my impassioned pleas that we move forward. It took me a while to realize that he was right and that going very slowly really was the best way to do it. Part of me wanted to push it too far too fast out of anger and denial. I was, and still am to a certain degree, so pissed that I had been stupid enough to be in an abusive relationship again in the first place that I wanted to just erase it from my mind and act like it never happened. Needless to say that failed, and worse than it just failing it caused me to lose some of the ground I had gained until that point. I was also against going slowly because I just did not want to accept that I had been abused again. Denial is still a very powerful force, even for someone who knows it exists, knows the signs of it, it can still play a major role in how they deal with their issues.

I still find fault with myself much faster than I used to, but not as fast as I did even 6 months ago. I still go through periods of time where I expect my husband to respond the way Jack did in similar situations. Like if one of the kids does something wrong, I still occasionally fear that he will blame me or punish me for it. I know this is because Jack often punished me for mistakes that other people made.

It has taken four years but I have finally managed to be able to submit naturally, without having to force myself to do it. Of course I still fear how vulnerable this makes me and sometimes this fear causes me to respond in a self-protective manner without provocation from my husband. But I am grateful that those instances are becoming less frequent as time goes on.

I have finally reached the point where I can honestly say I trust my husband to not only know the right way of dealing with me and my baggage, but to also be able to trust that he will act appropriately and follow through on his instincts.

I read somewhere once, or maybe it was something someone said to me (I'm not certain which it is) that for every year a person lives in an abusive situation it can take at least 2 years (if not more) to heal from that single year of abuse. When I first heard that I scoffed at it, mostly because I did not want to believe that I had stupidly allowed someone to screw me up that severely again. But I've reached a point now where I not only believe that to be a fairly accurate statement, but have also accepted it and am willing to let the healing process take however long it needs in order to heal properly.

Too many times in the past four years I fooled myself into thinking I was better than I really was, only to have it come crashing down around me and hurting not only myself but those who love me most in the process. For that I feel guilty. But I finally learned that I can't force myself to be "all better" by pretending or ignoring the effects that are still there. So now I work through them as they come up no matter how long that takes.

Well it is late, so I'm going to stop for now.

Driving Myself Nuts Again

I am driving myself nuts again..but I suppose that is nothing new. For the past 2 1/2 years I have been unable to complete an article on bdsm, or any topic for that matter. I have been unable to alow myself to enjoy submission and service beyond a few days or couple weeks at a time. I still find it all but impossible to engage in any intellectual discussion on a mailing list (including my own lists). All of these things have always been important to me. Writing, in any format, has always been a great outlet for me. As well it has always been a way for me to pass along what I know to others, and I used to be real good at finding a way to explain the concept at hand so that my listener would understand it, whatever that concept was. Now, I'm lucky if I can string two sentences together that make sense without writing multiple apologies for bothering people with my opinions or thoughts. most of the time, I just don't bother to respond at all. I have about 8 rough draft articles, that I just can't finish. I pull one up on the screen and try to do the fleshing out, but my mind goes blank and I almost panic. I just can't write a single word. So I put it away and hope that with a bit more time I will be able to go back to doing something I really loved and was good at. I don't believe I am good at it anymore. I don't believe I'm good at any of those things anymore. Its driving me crazy. Hell I'd be happy to just be able to write half a paragraph, even if it sucked, but I can't even do that. Its like I run into a blank wall. And my writing isn't the only thing that runs into that blank wall either. I used to greatly enjoy discussing things on mailing lists. now I don't bother because I get that wall and can't figure out how to say what I want to so. That's coupled with feeling like I have nothing important to say. That anything I do say doesn't matter. Its stupid and probably wrong. Where the heck did my self confidence go and how do I get it back?

I've alreayd written about my problems with submission. But this morning its bothering me again. It all used to come so easy. I knew what I was, who I was and knew I was good at it too. Now I'm back to where I was 6 years ago and I don't know how to fix it. I'm begining to think that I can't fix it, that's its gone and will stay that way. I can't even say for sure that its fear because I don't know what it is. Its just a blank wall, it just stops. I guess my mind has just decided that allowing myself to be that vulnerable to another human being again is not worth it and it won't let me take the risk no matter how badly I want to. I am still afraid of finding myself in a similar situation to the one with Jack, I can't deny that. I continue to act in ways that are self protective, mostly mentally and emotionally. I'm afriad of being ridiculed, punished for having thoughts or feelings (no matter how they are expressed, whether they're expressed within the rules or not). I'm still afraid of being left alone, or just "dropped".

This sucks.

So How Does It Affect Me Now?

So how is all of this affecting me now? Honestly, it still affects me. Submission is still not coming naturaly to me the way it used to. There are times that it does, but more often than not I still have to struggle against disobedience based on my fears. It has gotten easier in the past two years. I had hoped to be further along than I am though. Those days where i have to struggle to obey really bother me. I end up feeling guilty for it and trying not to berate myself for not being the way I was just a few years ago. Ron is happy with me the way I am, he says. He has a goal in mind for our relationship, but he is willing to take as much time as neccessary to get me to that point. He doesn't want to push me, or rush me. That doesn't mean he doesn't challenge me because he does. He will push me too. He's been slowly increasing the number of tasks I have to do. He's begun requiring the use of honorifics in cerrtain situations, though he would prefer I call him Master he realizes that I just can't use that word freely anymore and is willing to accept Sir instead. He did say that there will come a time when Master will be the only one accepted. He has removed safewords and set restrictions on my ability to just walk out. I have to give him 90 days from the time I state I want to leave and during those 90 days the power exchange comse second to figuring out and working on whatevr problems have arisen that are bad enough to make me want to leave. He demands a journal entry every day and has started pushing for verbal expressions of my thoughts and feelings, especially the fears I still hold. I can kneel in front of him now and not feel ashamed or scared that he's going to hurt me somehow. I even get feelings of happiness more often now.

I still struggle mostly in the areas of mental submission. I am still so very afraid to completely trust him and just obey, believing that he has done his best to think of every possible ramification of his orders. Thinking of what he'd want from me in any situation before thinking of what I want or would prefer to do, still takes a concious effort. It doesn't come naturally yet. I also find it difficult to share my feelings with him verbally and sometimes I still can't share them in my journal. I've been working harder and harder on that one recently. I've just been swallowing the fear that he might explode or hate me or something like that and writing the stuff down anyway. With each entry I do this way, and he doesn't punish me for it, berate me or respond in any ohter negative way, it gets a little easier the next time. I have been able to let go of my own limits and just accept his as my own. But its easier for me to trust people with my body than with my heart and mind. I'm making progres but I still feel impatient. I still get angry and feel hurt. I still feel broken. I miss the joy I used to feel in serving, when it was the more frequent feeling. now the more frequent feeling is anxiety. Did I do it right? Is it what he wanted? will he be happy? Did I miss anything? I still haven't recovered my confidence in my ability to serve and serve well.

Jac used orgasm control in our relationship. At first it was a way of "torturing me"..a very pleasurable way, and I enjoyed it. Evenutally he started using orgasm denial as punishment and many times I never knew what I had done. He'd come in, initiate sex and purposely do everything he knew that would make me orgasm then tell me not to, that I hadn't earned it, or wasn't good enough to have that pleasure. He'd even refuse to orgasm inside me, sayiong I hadn't earned that "honor". Sometimes this was followed by him leaving to go sleep elsewhere because I wasn't good enough or didn't deserve to be in the same bed as him. Sometimes he wouldn't even tell me why he was denying me and ignoring me, he'd just do it. And since I knew I couldn't say no to him and no longer had the will nor desire to say no to him, I had to accept it. He also demanded that I always be either ready for sex or close enough that little foreplay was needed for me to be physically ready. He'd pinch my nipples, or rub my clit, nibble on my ears and such, all to keep me horny alot of the time. At first this was great and I enjoyed the sexual tension, the arousal. But eventually he either lost interest in having sex with me, or whatever..the end result being that I'd be horny alot of the time, and it wouldn't get satisfied. it rapidly became a hell of a distraction, so I had to learn to ignore it. I had to learn to ignore stimulation that would cause orgasm. This resulted in my being unable to get aroused quickly, or reach orgasm easily. I very rarely felt any desire to have sex at all. It just became automatic to supress and ignore it. This is driving me nuts because Ron wants me to feel horny, to initiate sex, fantasize about sex and play and tell him what those fantasies are. I just couldn't do it. I've been forcing myself to be more aware of how my body feels physically and have tentatively initiated sex a couple times. I was afriad he'd get mad at me, tell me I was too demanding, trying to control him, topping from the bottom and all that stuff that Jack accused me of when I'd initiate sex. It really hurt too because at first he wanted me to initiate sex, said he really liked to know that I wanted sex. he didn't always fulfill my request, and I didn't expect him to. Eventually however, he stopped viewing it as a request and labeled it a demand, topping from the bottom or trying to control him. It really hurt because by that point my request was simply that..."would you like to fool around tonight Master?"..I had already stopped trying to initiate it physically because he spurned that first and punished me for it. So initiating sex was his job and I simply had to ignore or supress my own desires for sex whenever they came up, which they did less and less often. With Ron I behaved the same way. Initiating sex was his job. He says he was fine with this, that it didn't bother him. But it sure as hell bothered me. I used to enjoy initiating sex, seducing my partner playfuly. I was even able to ask for play, even if it was just a need for pain not sub space. But I lost that too. I felt like I had completely lost my sex drive and that bothered me. Ron stumbled on a way of breaking through that wall a little bit. We played one night a few weeks ago and I reached the point in sub space where all thought was gone and I reacted solely on how I was feeling physicaly and emotionaly. Since I was extremely aroused, I initiated sex by spending time nibbling and caressing his body. Turning him on with what I was doing and things I'd say. I wasn't thinking about it at all, just reacting. He really liked it and I loved it. For that period of time I felt like my old self sexually. He didn't get mad, feel I was controling him, think I was topping from the bottom or any other negative thing. This gave me a little bit of courage and I'm starting to feel a bit more comfortable initiating sex, or just asking if he's in the mood when I am. I've relaxed a little during sex too, becoming a more active participant like I used to be. taking the initiative to explore his body, rather than wait for him to order me to do things like Jack eventually prefered. It felt good too. :)

Overall I'd say i'm doing much better than I was last year and the year before that. I've still got a ways to go yet, and I no longer believe I will ever be the way I used to be entirely. I no longer believe submission will ever come naturally again. I'm far to wary and self protecting for that now. Part of me hopes I'm wrong, hell alot of me hopes I'm wrong, but I just don't know and I don't want to get my hopes up that I can acheive that because it drives me crazy when I fail at it.

Journal Entry From Computer

This is a journal entry that I did on the computer. I didn't realize it was there because it was saved in the wrong folder. I came accross it tonight while doing some clean up on my hard drive. The poems in this journal entry, have been re-written and finished since I first wrote them here. I'll post them too.

July 14, 2000 Friday 12:53 AM

Been an interesting day today. Ron took me to the mall to look at possible collars. I freaked out. Got all tense and scared. I couldn’t do it. I was actualy shaking in the store! It helped that there weren’t any that I liked. But I got cranky when we got home after that. Which I don’t like at all. Makes it worse is that I snapped at Ayli over something I normally wouldn’t have snapped about. Talk about feeling guilty. She stayed away from me for a few hours, I can’t really blame her. I hurt her feelings and I know I did. But I couldn’t help it. We did talk and she understood, which was very nice.

My mind is running a million miles a minute. I am hurting inside and depressed. Not a good combination. I’m not exactly sure why other than because I told Ron no to a collar. Asked him to wait, that I couldn’t handle it yet. I felt very guilty about that because I had said yes, now I’m saying no. Which is not fair and I’m sure it hurt him. Though he said he wasn’t mad, which is odd to me. He should be mad. Least I would think he’d be mad. I probably would be if I were him. But I’m not him, which is probably a good thing. I just got so very scared about everything. It isn’t Ron I’m afraid of, it’s what he’s offering and what he stands for that scares me. I mean, he keeps talking about how much he loves me, how great I am and how long he wants to be with me. That he expects things to go wonderfully between us and I find myself just waiting for things to fall apart. For the other shoe to fall. For me to fuck up and him to hate me for it. I know that’s silly. My mind knows all that, but it doesn’t change how I feel. Which really really sucks. But I can’t seem to change how I feel no matter how hard I try. Then I get mad at myself for feeling this way. And I get mad at Jack for making it possible for me to feel this way. I hate it so much it isn’t funny. I sit here and I wonder why I even bothered to come here. I sit here waiting for Ron to get pissed at me and ask me to leave, or just tell me to leave. I sit here scared shit to do or say anything, not because he will yell, but because he won’t. And I don’t seem to have any self-control over my mouth anymore because he doesn’t get mad at me. It’s all very confusing and I hate being confused as much as I hate hurting inside. I can’t even put how I feel into words other than I feel broken. Very much broken. ANd I don't mean my back. Submission was part of how I defined myself. It came so easily to me, so naturally. I loved it and loved myself when I was submitting. Now? The very idea of kneeling before ANYONE scares me so bad I want to throw up. The very thought of feeling a collar on my neck paralyzed me and I can't think or talk, my mind is just blank and all I can do is shake.

I’ve gotten back online and found that even typing in a stupid IRC serve is something I have to force myself to do now. Which is even dumber. It’s like part of my mind has completely shut off any show of submission at all. Even silly things like IRC serves. I find myself fighting against any feeling of submitting to Ron and wanting to tell him NO to everything just because I’m afraid to say yes. I find myself smart mouthing way past my own limits because I want a reaction from him. I want to know what will happen if I piss him off. I want to know how much he will take before he reigns me in. Yet, I don’t give him the right to reign me in. It’s pretty stupid, shallow and mean of me. But I’m not doing it on purpose. I find myself doing it without thinking which is even worse I think. I realize it after I've done it and then berate myself for doing it. Once again I feel ashamed of myself, my desires, my behavior, everything. I'm terrified to let myself be who I really am, everytime I try I freak out.

I feel the need to write but nothing really seems to want to make any sense. I’m not sure why. hmmmm..maybe poems?

broken heart
shattered dreams
scarred soul
eyes blinded
mind closed
nowhere else to go
wander fields of pain
travel shadowed paths
mapped by confusion
nothing to gain
the past mars the present
dissolving any future
doomed to ever wander
corridors with no aim
end

heart filled with sorrow
of days long past
angry words once spoken
hateful words once spat
wounded soul left over
scared of a new day
confused
alone
mind weary of grief
the past remains present
no matter the tears I weep
END

Many lessons learned
old fears returned
darkness surrounds me
soul dipped in pain
eyes swallowed by tears
mind frozen by shame
end

thinking of the past
anger overwhelmes
hurtful deeds
hateful words
each one remembered
fuels the anger

thinking of the past
confusion fills me
why this?
Why that?
why me?
No answers coming

thinking of the past
fear consumes me
cold
lonely
empty
no hope I can see

END

All I had
once was yours

changed to fit you
failed that quest

all I had
I gave to you

Everything I could
I did for you

Try as I might
nothing was enough

confusion now reigns supreme
wondering why I tried

you took all I had
tore it apart
tossed it back
left a bleeding heart

no sign of remorse
no, not from you
END

Sometimes I wonder why people have to live through so much shit in their lives. It just doesn’t seem fair. You love someone to the best of your abilities, and it isn’t enough for them. You do everything the best way that you can and it isn’t enough for them. In an m/s relationship, you submit everything to them, and they rip you apart in return. Is it a personal failing? Or is it a failing in the other person? Is it something wrong with them that they can’t see or accept the love from another person? That they can't handle the full submission they asked for and said they wanted? Why does it even matter to me? I mean come on, I know for a fact the shit that Jack pulled with me is flat out abusive. If it wasn't it wouldn't have caused the damage I'm now dealing with. I wouldn't be apologizing for everything from the time, to the weather, to someone else's mistakes. I know for a fact that he caused some serious problems inside me. I know all this, yet I still wonder why it all happened, I still blame myself like he taught me to. Looking to myself to see what I did wrong. Yet, I can’t find much. Other than I made a bad decision, didn’t trust my instincts. I should have known better.


Words once said
spoke to my dreams
binding my soul

promises made
woke hope in my soul
tied my heart to yours

the words were lies
the promises broken
my heart shattered
soul torn

I mourn for what could have been
what once was
what never was
those sweet words you spoke
gilt promises you couldn’t keep

mourn for all I’ve lost
to your lying ways
end

silver tongued fool
speak words untrue
bind people to you
blinded to the truth

sweet words of love
mask your poisonous soul

promises for the future
only empty words
END

there is power in words
ideas realized
fantasies come to life
dreams take form
hope takes flight

words weave a spell
magic of their own

words beget emotions
from a never ending well
words cause more damage
leaving deeper scars
then knife, gun or fist
END

Simple messages conveyed
emotions woken
yearnings stirred
by a few simple words
END

Time heals everything
so people say

healing takes effort
every single day

overcome past hurts
resolve the anger
face the ghosts
ban them forever

time alone heals nothing
desire
effort
patience
mixed with time
will heal any hurt
even mine
END

a new day dawns
ready or not

each day a struggle
with fear you have wrought

each moment in time
tried to deny
fears that are mine

each hour passes
a new fight begins

END

time passes slowly
for a heart heavy with grief
each moment reminds me
of tears I can’t weep

days merge together
no beginning or end
lost to the fear
clouding my head
END

Everything I had
all that I was
all I could be
I gave to you

All that you wanted
became all I needed

Everything you dreamed of
I dreamt of too

Everything you desired
I strived to fulfill

Everything you craved
I tried to supply

Gave up myself
to be what you wanted

Eventually I realized
you could not be satisfied

Now I’m left wondering
who am I?
END



Well I feel calmer now. So I guess that helped. I suppose this is a good thing. I haven’t done that in a while. I showed the poems to Ayli and she said there is no hope or light in them. I am not feeling much hope or light right now, so I wrote what I felt. She said she understood that.

I just realized I wrote the beginnings of 13 new poems in the space of an hour. I haven’t done that in a while. I guess I needed the release and I needed it badly. It helped me.

Ron is sleeping now. I feel very guilty for not being able to give him what he wants so badly. But I can’t give it yet. I am hoping I will be able to give it to him some day, but for now, I just can’t. And honestly, I don't know if I ever will be able to submit again with that same ease I did before. I am still too hurt and scared of myself to do it. I am afraid of being hurt and afraid of tearing myself apart again for no reason. I am afraid to submit because it is so easy to use submission and really hurt me. I don’t want Ron to think I don’t love him, because I do and I have for years. But I am afraid of how I feel because it makes me want to do things for him and be sub to him and that is scary. But when I try, I freak out. He is so patient and I apprecaite that, but I worry that he may eventually feel that I am taking advantage of his patience and his love for me. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing that. I know I’m using his patience to give myself the time I need so badly right now but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I just hope he doesn’t think I’m using him in a bad way if you know what I mean.

He asked me what I dream of and I couldn’t answer him. Partly because I haven’t allowed myself to dream much in the past 9 months or so. That’s because my dreams would never come true and I knew it so it hurt less to just not dream at all. But I do have my dreams, they are locked up in the back of my mind, nice and safe there. Every once in a while I look at them and put them back, just to make sure they are still there. I dream of being off social security. I dream of having a home. I dream of having someone I can love and who will love me back. I dream of having Sam all better. I dream of owning a mustang. I dream of getting married some day and this time having it work. I dream of being able to trust someone and know that no matter what happens, they won’t desert me. I dream of being a writer. I dream of being a pharmacist. I dream of cuddling, and talking. I dream of being good for the world somehow. I dream of being a good mother. I dream of my kids when they get older. I dream of owning my own business. I dream of submitting to someone who won’t take advantage of what I am. I dream of being happy. I dream of being loved. I dream of being safe inside myself. I dream of being myself. I dream of so many different things. When I think of what I dream, it hurts. It hurts because I haven’t realized any of my dreams in 31 years of living. That’s kind of sad. It hurts also because when I allowed myself to believe I had some of my dreams, I was wrong. The dreams became nightmares. They became a way of keeping me in a place I didn’t want to be anymore. They were used against me as a way of controlling me beyond any measure of d/s or m/s. They were used to subjugate me, and the ones that would have built me up were denied me (writing, web site, mailing lists, etc). Ron wants me to dream and fantasize, which is nice. So I tried very hard to dream a bit today and what I dreamt was a bit unsettling. I dreamt of being with Ron 20 years from now and still loving him and him still loving me. It was a nice dream until I realized I was collared and suddenly I got scared and forced myself to think of something else. But at least I tried which is a good thing.

Ron asked me if I was feeling pressure from him today. Pressure to take a collar and stuff like that. No I’m not feeling pressure from him, but am feeling it from myself. I have little to no patience with myself when I am hurt or fucked up inside. I want it all better and I want it better yesterday. Not next week, or next year…now! I am pushing myself when I know I shouldn’t because I want to be better. And that is so very wrong of me. To push myself into doing things I am not fully ready to do, I would be undermining everything and that wouldn’t be fair to Ron now would it? nope it wouldn’t be. I need to give myself the time I need to relax and work through a lot of the shit that is left over from Jack. But I find that whenever I think of Jack's and my relationship, I get depressed and I hate feeling depressed. Unfortunately, I have to think about what happened with him if I am ever to get over it, don’t I? Least, that’s how I’ve always worked in the past. Hell when LK and I broke up there were many journal entries about him and I and our relationship. Many discussions about it. When I returned Ron’s collar I was still writing entries about him 3 months later. And now, I am trying to get over Jack by ignoring it. It isn’t working. I guess I need to face it, and not hide it in the shadows. It happened and I have to deal with it. Running from it, and doing stupid shit in an attempt to “ignore” or “erase” it will not work. That will only backfire on me I think. But it hurts so much to think about it, to remember it. I end up crying and I hate crying. I end up berating mayself for allowing anyone to abuse me again. I end up feeling completely ashamed and so fucking guilty. Why does the victim always feel responsible for what the abuser did? I know mentaly that its because the abuser makes it so the victim will take the blame for anything, literaly anything...that way they can control the victim better and never have to admit to their own mistakes..they put it all on the victim's shoulders and the victim accepts it.

Jack could sometimes be a good guy. There were many times, mostly in the beginning and before I got there, that he would listen to me. Offered me support, compassion, understanding and advice. I can’t forget those times. And because of my soft heart, I can’t help but continue to believe that the man who he was then, is still in there somewhere. No matter the evidence I have to the contrary. I remember times like when my back freaked out and I had a pain crisis on Christmas. He never left my side. He did everything he could to make me feel better, to somehow make the pain less. Then he made me go to the ER. Or the time that my son almost died. How he was with me every minute up in the hospital. How he cried when I got back from the emergency room after my son was taken by hellicopter and on a respirator, and the look on my face made him think I was going to say that my son had died. How he lost his cool and just started bawling. Then how he absolutely refused to let anyone but him go to the hospital with me. How he stood beside me at the bedside the entire time, holding my hand or holding me and telling me everything would be ok that he would be there for me. How he refused to let me go into surgery without him there and how he was the first face I saw when I woke up in the recovery room. How he used to bring me roses or leave me little I love you notes on the computer screen. How we planted a garden together. How we worked on the business together (and sometimes got along doing it)

You know what?? I just listed the nice things the man did, and when I read over them I realize that those are about it for a year and a half. That’s pretty sad. That’s a real short list for such a long period of time. The list of bad things he did is a lot longer. The punishments for no reason, the arguments he would pick with me just because he was tired or cranky or in a bad mood or needing extra energy by getting angry, the punishments for someone else's mistakes, the made up errors just so he could punish me because he wanted to give me pain (he is a sadist).. The insults he would throw at me or anyone else for no reason. The irrational mood swings. How he would break things when he was angry. The total withdrawls of attention, without any reason being given. The lack of communication as time went on. The total lack of trust. The way he isolated me from everyone. The way he would put down everything I did that took my attention away from him or the house (except for cross stitching which I think was ok with him because I was in the house when I did it and not talking to other people), which were all those things he said he was so proud of me for when I first got there. The way he just dropped the entire relationship without any explanation. The way he would always make me feel stupid and small. The way he was never satisfied with anything I did no matter how hard I tried, even when I did exactly what he asked me to do. The way he would push my back every day, then punish me for the one time I pushed it myself. The way he would put me down for giving in to my back no matter how much I hurt. The wy he would punish me for NOT giving in to my back no matter how much it hurt. The way I never could win no matter what I did, how hard I tried, or anything else. I was always wrong, never doing anything right even when I did exactly what he told me to do. How I came to feel nothing but fear of him and obeyed out of that fear. The fear drove me to desperate attempts to please him. making me accept stuff I didn't want to accept and that I was told would not be part of the relationship. Things I had placed hard limits on, I threw out all my limits and adopted only his, becuase that's what he wanted. How he belittled me for everything he once said he loved about me. How he hated my intelligence, my capability, my independence and my strength; all things he had praised so highly before and stated as being the qualities he wanted/needed in a slave. How he tried so hard to make a door mat out of me. How he always put down his own son. How he always insulted his wife. How he is so fucking blind to his own goddamned mistakes. How he thinks he is so fucking perfect that his shit don’t stink. How he never sees what he does and never will.

That is so sad. The man is completely fucked. And I still give a damn. Why is that? Am I really that soft? And how do I change that? I am angry at him now, which is a good thing I think. He deserves my anger. He did a lot of really nasty shit to me and deserves my anger. I am the kind of person that will always care about other people it seems. No matter what I’ve been through and no matter how much I’ve been hurt, I always continue to care about others. This is a good thing. It means I can’t be made into a cynical old bitch, at least I hope that's what it means. I never want to be so cold that I hate other people. And I guess this proves that I never will be. Least I hope I never will be.

I do feel better now than I did earlier. I guess I am learning again how to release my feelings so my mind can actually make sense of my thoughts. This is a good thing. Another good thing is that Ron likes to talk to me about everything, including our relationship. It is a relationship, no matter what we say to each other about it. It is not a formal d/s one however, not even a formal boyfriend/girlfriend one, I can't think of a label that would fit it and that’s ok. He says we're friends with benefits. It probably will be formalized if given enough time and if I don't run away. I think Ron is right, I have to relax and let things take their own course. Something I am not very good at, but it is probably the only way he and I will have a chance at anything good between us. Pushing myself to do things I am not ready to do will only undermine our relationship and make me run from him in fear. So I guess it means I have to learn to relax.


Ron wants me to trust him. And I do trust him quite a bit already. I trust him not to hurt me physically. I trust him with my children because I already know he's a good father. I trust him with some of my feelings and thoughts. The rest will come in time I am sure. Specially if he stays the way he is. I don’t mean that I expect him to never get upset or anything like that. It just means that so long as he doesn’t become an asshole, I don’t see any reason I wouldn’t trust him more and more as time goes on. He continues to tell me he is patient and that he is willing to wait. But I also know what he wants and that he is working towards those goals whether he is doing it consciously or not. I already know the man is patient. He has proven that many times over. He has a lot more patience than I do. Which is probably a good thing.

I’m actually beginning to feel tired so I think I will stop here for now. I think I will try to write more often so feelings don’t build up so much inside me like they did today.

Been Too Long

It has been far too long since I wrote in here, and so many issues have continued to arise within my relationship with my master where the baggage can be traced back to my relationship with Jack, and some can be traced back even further. Those last are the ones that bother me the most because I had spent a great deal of time fixing those things and for the most part I had suceeded. But along comes one person and all the old insecurities, fears, etc based negative behavior comes back and fighting it a second tme is alot more difficult.

I haven't been online much but that is changing since master made doing my e-mail a daily task. I'm supposed to work on it for an hour but master knows there are days where there just isn't enough email to last for an hour, so on those days I can add in web site updates, blogs anything I want. Of course I can do that anyway

We did some clean up of the hard drive on my computer the other night. Ron went through his folders and came accross a bunch of emails I had written him in January of 2000 when I was in Arizona and things were at their worst. At one point he had asked me to write him a letter about what was bothering me, if I thought it would help me to do so. I wrote a journal entry on the computer instead beacuse the letter format just wouldn't work. His face got real serious when he read it again the other night. He asked if I wanted to read it and I said yes. I started reading it and my eyes filled with tears. It still hurts a great deal. Not so much because of the specific actions on Jack's part anymore but moreso it hurt me to so visibly see the differences in me at that time and me now. My writing style then was stilted and the choice of words was very blatantly cautious. It still hurts me from time to time to see how deeply I had changed. How easily I let myself return to a state of despair, depression and self-loathing that I had sworn to never do again. That I had honestly believed I would not be a victim of abuse again, but I was. I think that in some ways my belief that it would never happen to me again is what made it possible for me to let it get as far as it did before I could finally accept it and face it. I know that I am lucky I faced it at all. I'm pretty sure that if I had continued to deny it, I would have killed myself before too much longer. Knowing that makes me angry at myself. especially since I first used the word abusive to describe Jack a year before I finally left. I used it in my journal and it prompted a major fight between us. Anyway...I am angry with myself for continuing to deny what was happening. Sometimes I think it will always hurt me on some level to look back on that time in my life. I do wonder if I am misplacing my anger onto myself rather than on Jack where it belongs. At this point, I am more upset wiht myself for letting it happen than I am at Jack for doing it. I wonder how much of that is because it seems he has made some fundamental changes in himself, so I somehow feel like I can't blame him or be angry with him now that he is trying to not only see why.

OK stopping here.

I talked with Jack via ICQ the other day and we had an interesting discussion. I was floored by some of what he said and it's been playing through my mind since we talked. I told him that I hesitate to answer his questions or make comments sometimes because I still fear angering him. I didn't even think of it before I typed it but once the words were out they hit me like a ton of bricks. I do still worry about pissing him off and I feel stupid for it. He told me that he has any prospective play partners read this blog. He said that being told he was dangerous made him open his eyes a bit and he read this blog carefully. He said he could see that he does have a side to him that is dangerous and all that. I didn't know how to respond to any of it. He also said he felt badly that I still fear his response and fear pissing him off. It gave me a twinge of guilt which was rather odd as well. I still am not completely sure how I feel about his turn around on the topic of our former relationship. A year ago it was all my fault, I was a rotten submissive, I didnt do enough, I expected too much, etc etc. Now, he says he is "seeing" what he did. It's interesting I suppose.

I have thought of deleting the entire blog from the server. The reasons I put it up were/are good ones, but I'm not sure it's a good idea anymore. I'll have to give that more thought before I decide.

Jack contacted me the other day. He said some things that totally shocked me. He said I was a wonderful woman and very submissive and things along those lines. This is a complete 180 from the viewpoint he held just a few short months ago when he said everything was entirely my fault and tossed in some pretty horrendous insults. The biggest shock though came when he asked for my help in editing a file he is writing supposedly to seek "help" from others out there. he said he was going to outline how he thinks he failed me and what he is doing to change those things now and ask for advice to find other ways of growing. I just didn't get it. He couldn't explain what happened to make him change his mind about the relationship or about me. I have to admit I am very wary of his "new" attitude. I've seen it with him so many times before when he said he would do things differently. None of those promises ever came true. He might change for a short period of time and try to be better, but it never lasted very long and when he crashed, he crashed hard. It usually preceded at least a few days long worth of arguments, attitude and cruelty. Then he'd go right back to being his usual uninvolved self. I never could get the hang of his mood swings, though his wife apparently did because she is still with him after 24 years. They have an extremely weird marriage. I do hope, for his sake and that of his wife and son, that he truly desires to change and clearly sees his own abusive behavior for what it's worth, nothing; before it is too late to salvage anythihng

I've been doing alot of thinking. My relationship with Ron is changing again, growing, become stronger in the power exchange areas. At first, I started rebelling. Why? fear. I was very scared of submitting my will to Ron's and scared of submitting my heart. Afraid he would take it all away from me once I got used to it. Afraid I wouldn't be good enough, sub enough, or anything else. I knew those fears come partly from the relationship with Jack. This angered me because I try so hard not to let that crap from Jack affect my relationship with Ron, but the lessons I learned are still there. I learned to keep my mouth shut and it's been difficult to open up and talk with Ron about things that mean alot to me somehow. Like wanting a spanking just to feel the pain and the heat afterwards. I am afraid to tell him that verbally. I do however bite the bullet and force myself to write the things I'm afraid to say in my journal, knowing he will read them there and thus I've "told" him. I am hoping that the time will come where I will be able to talk to him verbally and feel okay about it. But I still react like I did when I was with Jack, not as intensely but it's still there. The coldness in the pit of my belly, my mind gets fuzzy and I just can't talk. Paralyzed with fear that if I do open my mouth he'll be pissed at me and ignore me for a few days, or he'll be pissed at me and bust my ass for whatever I said. Or he'll accuse me of topping from the bottom because I said I needed a hug. Or he'll accuse me of manipulating him because I said I was sad or something. These fears are things I could happily live without but I think they are going to take more time. It is so difficult to undo the behavior I learned with Jack, to undo the reactions I learned to have with Jack. Often when people look at abuse what they see are the bruises and physical scars and once those are healed they think the victim is perfectly fine now. But that's not true. The emotional scars, the learned self protective behavior patterns, the fear based behavior/reactionary patterns are all still tehre, and those things take more time to correct. Some people find it easier to heal than others do. Some people never heal for whatever reason. I am one that takes a bit of time, but I am making progress. Hopefully the day will come where I don't dream of Jack's silences, irrational rages and mood swings at night anymore then wake up and find myself expecting Ron to act that way for the next couple of days.

I was holding back my mental and emotional submission to Ron out of fear. Fear caused by Jack abusing the mental and emotional submission I gave him. His will over rode mine in every thing. If he wanted something done, I did it, no matter what it was or how I personally felt about it. He didn't force me to do things I wasn't ready for, I will give him that. Like with the drinking his urine and golden shower thing, he brought the subject up and we talked about it off and on for a while. He waited for the "shock factor" to wear off, which it did. Then when he knew I had become very obedient to his orders, he ordered me to kneel naked in the shower stall and proceeded to urinate on me. I was scared at first, then I found that I enjoyed it. Partly because it felt good, warm and stuff. But mostly because when I opened my eyes and peeked at Jack the pure pleasure on his face turned me on. Same with drinking from him. Obeying him, gave me pleasure. Doing things for him, gave me pleasure. I want to have that same feeling of ownership, submission and pleasure again. But there is a mental block in my head. Fear of letting myself submit that deeply again and being hurt or manipulated like I was before. Sometimes realizing that this block is there really makes me angry at Jack. Sometimes I get angry at Jack for everything that happened. Other times I am grateful for the things he taught me, which he did teach me alot of things. I am better than I was however because my will is slowly submititng to Ron's. Hopefully this means that eventually I will not have this block anymore, and hopefully when that happens I will be free of the negative left overs from the relationship with Jack.

Sometimes I wonder if Jack ever realized, fully realized, how abusive he had become towards me. How opposite his stated desires were from the desires his actions said he wanted. I wonder if he has ever realized that what he was wanting is not a sub or a slave, but a doormat. I wonder if he has ever realized that spending 30 minutes belitting someone for no real reason is abusive. I doubt it. he has spent far too many years of his life doing these things, and to him they are normal and "right". It's sad really.

I know I haven't blogged in this particular blog in a while, but that's because I haven't really felt the need to. Tonight, I feel the need to. I decided to go through some of my old journals and pull out the poems I wrote that I never put on my hard drive. I found ones that I wrote on my birthday of 2000. Very depressing poems, but they speak volumes about the state of mind this relationship had me in.

These were written on Jan. 27, 2000
Death would be a welcome release
sweet succor
never ending sleep
no more pain
confusion gone
an end to floods of tears
tired of hurting
weary from trying
beaten by failure
surrounded by darkness
no means of escape
no means of relief
no hope of improvement
closeted in solitude
my world is empty
my heart cries
my soul has died
exhausted with life
'tis nothing but strife
heartache
pain
words cut like daggers
my mind maimed
crippled by fear
I sit holding the bottle
tiny white drops
provide release desperately sought
death would be welcome.
END

Why do I try?
Why do I care?
Why hope to fix it?
it's beyond repair
Discussion begets fights
nothing resolved
I sit and cry
you continue nonpulsed
I see no relief
no solutions in sight
no way to win
I pray the Lord take me
I can't bear this sin
I don't know what I"ve done
Why it began
I pray to the Lord
take me now.
END

This one was written on Jan. 19, 2000
Confusion, painm, anger
arguments, attacks, silence
always the same
guilt plagues my mind
for my human design
tears go unshed
wounds go unhealed
the cavern grows wider
silence prevails.
END

I sit and watch you sleep
eyes bright with unshed tears
you rest peacefully
nary a sign of nightmares
I watch in envy
how easily you sluimber
despite the mantle we're under
doubts plague me
my dreams filled with fear
nightmares prevail
END

These were written on May 27, 2000
effort matters not to you
your eyes sealed shut to the deeds others do
your heart stone cold to the love given you
Your mind locked tight against any belief but your own
a prisoner of your past
repeating the same pattern
destined to fail
no matter what happens
caged by your fears
you let no one near
instead you lash out
forever unfair
END

I gave you everything
you discarded it all
I blamed myself
tried every harder
you turned away
no explanations
no communication
cold silence is all
END


what a mess. I still find it hard to believe that I let someone screw me up that badly again. I am getting better though.

I have found myself doing alot of thinking today about why I went on antidepressents while I was living with Jack. We had been having numerous arguments, in which I was always the one who was wrong, even when I was right. This had led me to become desperate to please Jack, and from that desperation I would lose my cool alot faster and cry or yell. On top of that came all the emotional and mental stuff from the fusion being broken and my having to spend more time off my feet again and in more pain. We had argued for a while, over something that I felt I had every right to be upset with. He and I had discussed playing wiht others and things like that. He had agreed to let me know if something like that were going to take place. Well he started talking with someone who lived only a couple hours from us, and she had expressed an interest in meeting with him and possibly playing in the future. he had expressed the same interest to her. All I asked was that I know if he was going to meet her. We had started arguing because when I had been there for a short while we had discussed play partners and polys and stuff like that and he had insisted he did not want another sub, nor did he wish to play with another. He said that his wife and myself were more than enough for him. I was very satisfied with this. I had told him outright that I could handle his being married, but I didn't think I could handle him taking another sub or playing with another sub due to how my marriage with LK had ended with him literally replacing me wiht another woman. After a while, he started talking about really wanting to play with this girl and all that. I said something along the lines of I had thought he didn't want another sub or things like that. He swore he never said that to me. At the same time he started talking about moving in another woman, a sub who was pregnant beacuse he didn't want her to have an abortion and he wanted to provide her with another option rather than see her go through the pain of an abortion. He even asked if Doe and/or I would be agreeable to adopting the baby once it was born. We talked about it, and I had no trouble saying yes to the baby or the woman living with us until he started talking about collaring her and training her and all that. Again he swore he never said he wouldn't take a third and that I was mistaken. I felt very hurt and betrayed because I remembered what he said. I even looked it up in my jorunals and sure enough it was in there. My thoughts about him saying he didn't want a third. He swore I made it up or remembered wrong. We argued for a couple days, with him saying some pretty mean things, really hurting my feelings and doing it on purpose. I finally lost control and started screaming back at him. Well anyway, we made the agreement that he would let me know before he did anything, and I forced myself to accept the others (be they play partner or live in) because as his slave, I had no choice and if I wanted the relationship to continue I had to accept this arrangement. No problem, I could live with it. THen, he went and met with this woman who lived two hours away, without telling me he was going to do it. I found out because someone msg me on ICQ and asked me why I wasn't going with him to meet her. When he got home, he was very tired. I was not going to bring it up until the next day because he was tired. Instead, he brought it up. He demanded that I tell him how I felt, and I told him that it hurt my feeling to have him break his promise to me about not meeting her without telling me first. He of course heard it as I was completely insanely jealous and was telling him he couldn't meet new people without my permission, which was not at all what I was saying, I had said exactly what I meant, that his not telling me hurt my feelings. He said some really cruel things, and I got very angry. Doe of course came down on his side. I was upset that he broke his word to me, not that he had met with this woman. Neither of them understood this. This argument continued for a while, and I ended up crying for 24 hours straight. That's when I went and got anti depressants, I figured if I was crying like that for that long, that I was depressed. I continued taking them for a while. Eventually Jack accused me of using tears to mainpulate him and as "water works" which I wasn't doing. THis really hurt because the only reason I even allowed myself to cry in front of him was he had initially insisted that to force myself to hold back my tears when I needed/wanted to cry, was unhealthy for me and I should allow myself to release those feelings if I needed to. HIs change of viewpoint on this contributed a great deal to the problems that only got worse as time went on. I re-trained myself not to cry. and the zoloft helped with this by smoothing out my mood. The erosion of my self esteem had begun. Jack would accuse me of being irrational no matter how calm I was when speaking to him. This insult would of course set me off because it hurt me so badly by completely dismissing the efforts i was making and the progress I had already made. Now when I think back on it, I think he would purposely hurt me emotionally in order to make me explode so he could back up his insult that I was irrational. Eventually, I learned to not react to his shit and just keep my mouth shut. Unforunately, I couldn't do this for more than 2 weeks at a time before I literally lost my mind.

Anyway, in April I stopped taking the Zoloft because I no longer believed I was the irrational one. Having been there for over a year, and having seen first hand both his mood swings and Doe's, I felt that I was not the one who needed drugs that badly. That and I no longer was in bed, my pain was in control, and I no longer felt the need for the pills. I went through some withdrawl, where my moods were inconsistent for a couple weeks, but that leveled out. The last few months that I lived there, I did not take the meds, and neither Jack nor Doe noticed any change in my moods with the expection of my PMS weeks when I would get quieter to control my crankiness. THere was no increase in our arguments, nor decreases. There was no change in my crying, it didn't get worse, it didn't get better. I became angry that I had stayed on the medication as long as I had because I was afraid I would lose Jack if I stopped taking them. I became enraged that they both insisted I take the pills when their behavior was 3 times worse than mine ever was. I think for Jack, the zoloft was the easy "out" for him. I think he figured the zoloft would take care of my "moods" and he wouldn't have to put any effort forth to communicate with me or support me in any way. Sort of on the same lines he believed with the roses. Occasionally he would bring me roses. He expected those roses to replace any loving/intimiate interaction between us. For him, by giving me a rose, it wiped the slate clean of every insult, every cold shoulder and all that. I was suppsoed to see the roses as a replacement for him and a physical symbol that he cared about me. I did see them as the symbol, but they never replaced the personal one on one interaction that we had once had before everything got so bad. He could never understand how I was not satisfied with a rose every week and why I still wanted play, intercourse, conversation and things like that. I think part of the reason he could not comprehend how I could not be 100% satisfied with an almost platonic relationship was because his wife could. She did not need, nor even want, to talk to him about how she felt or what she thought. She did not want sex with him or need it. To her, just his insulting her once in a while, and thus showing he noticed her, was enough. It wasn't enough for me. Maybe that makes me selfish, but I don't think so. I don't think any other person would have accepted the stuff that was going on. Three and four day silences for no given reason. sex once a month. conversations almost never unless it was neccessary for the business. no interpersonal interaction and no support for anything. A very cold relationship. Very sad. very very sad.

I spent alot of time today thinking about being afraid of Jack even now that I'm not with him. I've wondered why it is still there. Will it ever go away? why do I even give a shit how he feels or what he thinks? It's so confusing sometimes. I wonder if my mind is just trying to drive myself insane. Then I think that for a while there, things went very well. And for quite a while, he was my main focus. Those things are not easy to just erase no matter what occured in the relationship. I had a really weird dream last night, and Jack was in it. We were just talking for some of the time, then we were playing. He had me suspended from the rafter of a garage, though not his garage and was flogging me. I was begging him to stop and he wouldn't. I woke up before it ended, so I don't know what happened or what would have happened. When I woke up I was shaking a bit and very flustered. It took me a few moments to realize where I was and who was touching my leg. When I went back to sleep the dream picked up almost where it left off but it wasn't Jack flogging me anymore, it was my master. Very weird. I wonder if my subcoscious was bringing up the fear I felt while speaking with Jack via ICQ yesterday? It could be. I'm not a dream interpretor so who the hell knows, I'm just guessing.

This afternoon, I found myself remembering when Jack and I took the kids over to Jack's brother's house for a cook out. Jack's brother and his wife had made steaks and salad as stuff. I served Jack his plate, and attended his needs without having to be asked. This was fairly early in the relationship. And Jack, on the way home, told me how proud he was of me, how I had pleased him and how perfectly I had served his needs and desires in front of others without being self conscious about it. I don't know why that memory popped up, but it did. Since it did, I figured I'd pop it in here. I'm guessing that it popped up because I had talked about how it wasn't all bad between him and I when I blogged yesterday. That makes some sense to me.

I found myself having to contact Jack earlier this week, which all in all isn't a big deal. However, I got an email response in which he stated that he had seen what I wrote on "abuse" on my web site, I am assuming he saw this blog. I know he doesn't see anything wrong with the way he behaves, and I guess that's his perogative. I also no longer care what he thinks about the relationship. I know that for me, it was indeed very abusive. This blog, is for me to vent about my feelings and thoughts which crop up from the memories of that relationship. I changed the names to prevent "black listing" anyone directly, and to protect him, though I know i owe him nothing. I'm just not the kind of person to seek revenge, never have been. I placed the blog here on the web site for the sole hope that maybe, by sharing my thoughts and emotions as I heal this crap, it might help someone else. I am unsure as to why my knowing he has read these things has made me feel I have to defend them. I think it might be because I had to defend myself and most of the things I did with him most of the time. Yet, I still feel the fear. Fear of his displeasure, fear of his reaction. Which is technically a stupid feeling since I am no longer within any reasonable distance of him so he can't possibly hurt me physically. I don't understand why I even bother responding to him politely, when I know that I don't have to. And that makes me wonder just how much of a weenie I am, and is it a good thing or a bad thing. That weenie part of me has existed my whole life, and is not a direct result from my relationship with Jack, though it was certainly used during that relationship and brought more to the forefront. Using the weenie part of me is what allowed me to act like the little door mat he wanted so badly for a few weeks at a time before i would explode. It was a very vicious cycle.

However, I've also thought of the times that weren't bad. I read a line in a Stephen King book called Insomnia where a woman had been beaten up by her husband and was receiving therapy when she finally left him. She said that she still thought about the good stuff, but had to remind herself that those times were the exception, not the rule, and they were a distraction to the truth that her husband had become a very dangerous and violent man for the last few years of the marriage. I think that sometimes remembering the good things that occured is a distraction, but overall it is a good thing to think about them. It is sort of a balancing act. It doesn't take away the impact that the bad things had on me, but it does help me to see a few things. Like why I stayed as long as I did, and why I got involved in the first place, and why I continue to actually care about this man and his family, and why I still hurt a little about everything that occured. It wasn't all bad, and it is those good times that I hurt for. I do remember them. The times when we got along very well, and the d/s was strong, but so too was our communication and all the trappings that went with it. At first, the good stuff far outweighed the bad, but eventually it shifted to the bad stuff occuring far more frequently than the good stuff. When that shift occured is when the relationship went from healthy, to abusive. I remember the times when he would rub my back because I was hurting so badly and sometimes rubbing the sore areas helped relax the muscles and thus decrease the pain. I remember the times where we were able to talk for a long time, without arguing with one another. Those were the times that I thought we had finally managed to work out the problems that had occured, and this believe allowed me to continue trying again and again, only to have the same problems crop up. I remember the times he cooked out, and we would all have like a little party, basically a family dinner with laughter and such. The day we went to the county fair was a good day as well. The times we went to meetings for the business and actually enjoyed the trip. The times we cuddled on the couch, or slept in each other's arms. There were good things there. Remembering them hurts a little bit still, but I expect that. It is, to me anyway, a very normal reaction to such a situation. But I also think my mind purposely tries to remind me of why I left because for every good thing I remember, it brings up at least 2 bad things. The fights he started in the middle of the night because someone else pissed him off and I made the mistake of coming out of the bedroom at that moment, and thus I got blamed and he picked a fight. The times that he misunderstood something I said, then held onto that misunderstanding as the gospel truth no matter what I said to explain it. The times he would get so upset with me for staying off my feet like the doctor wanted me to, and then get upset with me for not following doctor's orders. The confusion, the inconsistency and all the rest far outweigh any of the good stuff.

Re-reading my old journals so clearly shows a roller coaster of emotional instability that worsened as the situation intensified itself. I found myself constantly defending everything I thought or said. One day I'd write about how things seemed to be working out and we were getting along again and even talking to each other, the next day's entry was venting because we had another fight. Either caused by his mistaken beliefs about something I said or some thing I did that he did not like, but the arguments all eventually turned to basically ending the relationship. I was not perfect, and there were things I did wrong. Such as I could never keep to the curfew he set for me. At first it was because I felt uncomfortable telling Doe to stop talking and I had to go to bed. I felt it was rude to tell his wife to basically be quiet. However, I did eventually get over that. But sometimes the only time I ever had alone was after midnight when everyone was finally in bed, and I needed that half an hour to relax in silence. People need alone time once in a while. I made mistakes when I was learning to run the office the way he wanted. I picked a few fights, and there were times i was in a bad mood or cranky or whatever. I was not perfect. But I also know that what his behavior showed he wanted from me, was something I could not achieve, and I told him that. He would insist he did not want someone who just obeyed without question and who did only exactly what he told them to do, and nothing more. I can't be that way, and he knew it. He would say he wanted someone who he could say "go ahead, you handle this and this is what I want done". Like when it came time to get quotes for insurance for hte business. I called three companies. In order to get quotes I had to fill out an "application" which gave them the information they needed to provide the quote. Doe told me not to fill the papers out because Jack had not told me to do. I went ahead and did itanyway because I knew all the information they wanted, and he had asked for 3 quotes. Sometimes, my ability to handle snags that arose during the carrying out of his orders was fine, other times I was "wrong" because I had done something he had not told me directly to do. Sometimes he would say I did the right thing, other times he would ridicule me, or completely ignore me for days because I handled a snag that he had not forseen and thus givne me directions on how to handle it. I never knew which was the right way to handle things with him. He said he wanted me to handle things, but when I did he acted like I had killed his best friend or something. Finally I began fighting back. Using the insurance thing as an example, a little later he asked me to get a quote from another company to see if it might save the business some money. I did so, but did not fill out the application. Instead, I got it by fax and left it for him to fill out. Which two weeks later, he had not done, and was upset with me for not getting the quote. I told him basically that I couldnt' get the quote because I didn't have his permission to fill out the form, which was sitting in his "in box" waiting for his attention, along with a bunchof other things like letters he wanted sent that hadn't been because he never signed them. He would of course, tell me he knew I could handle this stuff and expected me to do so to complete his order. I responded with "true. but everytime I do that, you get pissed at me for doing things you did not specifically tell me to do" This, was the truth, however he refused to see it as such and the fight was on. So in those instances, I instigated a fight. I didn't want to fight with him that was not my goal. My goal was to tell him why I had not just handled the applications myself when I knew I could.

Another misunderstanding came up when he sat at the living room coffee table and started running off a verbal list of things he wanted me to do that day. He was listing alot of things. I started losing track and told him to wait a second that's a lot of stuff. I got up to get some paper so I could start writing it all down. I meant that the list was alot for me to just simply remember. He took it to mean that I hated my job and didn't want to do it. He started yelling and a fight was on. No matter how I explained to him what I had meant, he insisted that i hated my job and every time he got pissed at me for something in the business he threw it at me. My defense of if I hated it so much then why am I busting my ass so hard to do the job right, fell on deaf ears. All my behaviors that proved his words to be false, and his belief to be wrong, were ignored as if they did not exist. Yet I continued literally working myself so hard that I was on more medication to control the pain and thus continue working in an attempt to please him. To make him happy and to hear those words that I craved but so very rarely ever heard, the "you did a good job" or "thank you" or "I'm proud of you". I craved those words and did everything I could to hear them, but I always fell short somehow. If I had a list of 20 things to do in a day, and I got 19 done, he would see only the last one I had not finished yet and get pissed at me. Or if I finished all 20 and Doe had not done the things he told her to do, my success was used to belittle her. I was damned if I did and damned if I didn't. I was so terrified of his cold shoulder treatments, and he would give them so often with no reason for them. He would tell me that it wasn't me he was mad at, yet I was the only one in the house he refused to talk to during his "silence". What was I supposed to believe? I'd watch him talk to Doe, the kids, and ayli when she was there, yet if I asked him a question, he wouldn't answer me, no matter what it was a bout. If I tried to start a conversation with him, he ignored me, or got up and walked away from me. So, yes, I thought it was me he was pissed at. Though most of the time, I never even found out what I had done wrong. eventualy I reached a point of desperation to always be right, because I felt that in his eyes I was always completely wrong, and I had started to believe wholely that I was a complete fuck up. I wanted redemption from that. I wanted to know he finally thought I did something right, so I could have some little nugget to hold on to and fight off the "complete failure" feelings. When I tried to explain this to him, he accused me of manipulation and all kinds of crap. Eventually I stopped trying to explain things to him and took to behaving like Doe. Taking his emotional temperature when he came home, not saying anything to him until I had guaged his mood, making very few decisions without his direct input and all the stuff like that. This drove him nuts from time to time, but most of the time he was happy with this behavior from me. When I acted like that I got the "good job"s and the play, sex, interaction, cuddling and such. When I followed his verbal statements of what he wanted, I got the cold shoulder treatment, anger, insults and irrational mood swings. He never saw this pattern no matter what I said to him. Doe simply put it down to "That's Jack", like his standing over her for 30 minutes yelling at her saying she was stupid and shut was a perfectly ok thing for him to do to her. Like his getting pissed and breaking his glasses, or getting pissed and beating up the truck with a wrench of some sort, like his being cranky and belittling thier son, like all of these things were perfectly acceptable ways to handle anger. But considering she was allowed to be extremely irrational and cranky for a week out of every month because she had PMS, I can see how she thought this was ok. However, when I would get cranky from excess pain or PMS, I was told i needed medication because I was irrational. Eventually, I gave in and got an antidepressant beacuse I had reached a point where I cried for 24 hours non stop. Doe's PMS consisted of behaviors such as cutting the shirt off my daughter, screaming at the kids for hours, picking fights with my daughter, belittling her son, slapping my son so hard he had a handprint on his back for 2 hours, or slapping his wet butt for splashing in the tub (something he could normally do) very hard resulting in the kid being terrified to take baths anymore. These behaviors from her were OK. If I complained she responded "I'm pms'ng" like that made it ok. One day I lost my temper and told her what my mother had always told me "PMS is not an excuse to be a bitch!" and that she needed to learn to control her PMS better, or maybe she needed some pills to regulate her moods. needless to say that didn't go over well, and Jack blamed me for those arguments too. I eventually reached a point where I said nothing, and did my absolute best to just let everything go and keep my mouth shut because no matter whatI said,it was wrong. Like when I told Doe I did not agree with her cutting the shirt off my daughter, and that I thought it was wrong and she should apologize to my daughter, she immediately started jumping up and down and screaming she was not an abusive mother. I had not called her abusive or anything like that. But anytime I spoke about not liking the way she was handling my kids (especially since she didn't do the same shit to her son like slap him for backtalking her) she immediately started yelling that she wasn't abusive. One of these arguments ended in a fist fight when she slapped my son for not eating his dinner after I had told her repeatedly that he does not eat when he is sick, and he was sick. I lost my temper on that one and jumped the couch, stood right in front of her and told her not to hit my son ever again. She immediately responded with she is not abusive. and I went all over her, and basically told her that she is. She responded by trying to hit me, she landed one punch on my shoulder, so I punched back and got her breast. She said it still hurt the next day. I couldn't believe how quickly it went from me defending my son from being slapped for something he shouldn't have been slapped for, to her and I hitting each other. It was ridiculous.

So much of it was ridiculous and I still can't believe that they both think their relationship is a close, healthy and loving one. It is far from it in my opinion, and it completely fits the profile of a very abusive relationship. Isolation, insults, low self estemm, physical reprecussions for displeasing Jack and on and on. OH well. At least i'm not there anymore.

ok..lets see if this fixes the dang thing

hmmmmmmmmmm