Just some thoughts

I have thought, off and on, about Jack's having shown up in my chatroom. I went back and forth between feeling stupid for feeling fear, and realizing that it is a normal response to his presence. It bothers me that part of me still fears him 4 years later. I do not like being afraid of people or anything. It forces me to realize that I have no completely healed from that relationship which ticks me off because I want so badly to be completely healed from it. I am not very patient when it comes to myself and issues within myself. Rather funny considering I have so much patience with other people.

I've had a couple of bad dreams since that night. One had him turning into Ron then back into Jack and that one woke me up in tears. Maybe I should have woken Ron up but I was feeling afraid to speak to or see anyone and forget being touched. My mind keeps popping up thoughts of Jack and what we went through, sometimes good stuff, but mostly the bad. And I dont like it. I don't like focusing on it. I know I was not wrong in my judgement that what he did was abusive. But the part of me that always felt guilty (for everything with him) still pipes up, and it did this past week quite a bit, telling me that I was wrong. Not a very comfortable thought, but one I"m sure Jack would like since he spent so much time saying it was all my fault.

Why do abuse victims spend so much time feeling like everything is their fault? I know why, beacuse the abuser makes damn sure that they do it. They erode the victim's self esteem until the victim can't help but take the blame for everything because they believe they are some kind of horrible rotten person. But I can't help but wonder WHY, why do they do this. What do they get out of it? Its like my mind just can't grasp all the reasons the phsychologists give, all the reasons I know to be at least partly true. Still my mind ponders this question. Maybe its more acurate to say that I wonder why me, still. I'm not sure. I do know that I am partly at fault for this having occured to me because I refused to follow my instincts which were telling me something was wrong here. Not following my instincts has always caused my worse trouble in life. But I don't listen, which is my own fault. Every bad relationship takes two, even an abusive one. The difference is that in an abusive one, the vast majority of fault lies with the abuser rather than the victim.

OK, my mind is going in circles. I hate when it does that.