I know I haven't blogged in this particular blog in a while, but that's because I haven't really felt the need to. Tonight, I feel the need to. I decided to go through some of my old journals and pull out the poems I wrote that I never put on my hard drive. I found ones that I wrote on my birthday of 2000. Very depressing poems, but they speak volumes about the state of mind this relationship had me in.

These were written on Jan. 27, 2000
Death would be a welcome release
sweet succor
never ending sleep
no more pain
confusion gone
an end to floods of tears
tired of hurting
weary from trying
beaten by failure
surrounded by darkness
no means of escape
no means of relief
no hope of improvement
closeted in solitude
my world is empty
my heart cries
my soul has died
exhausted with life
'tis nothing but strife
heartache
pain
words cut like daggers
my mind maimed
crippled by fear
I sit holding the bottle
tiny white drops
provide release desperately sought
death would be welcome.
END

Why do I try?
Why do I care?
Why hope to fix it?
it's beyond repair
Discussion begets fights
nothing resolved
I sit and cry
you continue nonpulsed
I see no relief
no solutions in sight
no way to win
I pray the Lord take me
I can't bear this sin
I don't know what I"ve done
Why it began
I pray to the Lord
take me now.
END

This one was written on Jan. 19, 2000
Confusion, painm, anger
arguments, attacks, silence
always the same
guilt plagues my mind
for my human design
tears go unshed
wounds go unhealed
the cavern grows wider
silence prevails.
END

I sit and watch you sleep
eyes bright with unshed tears
you rest peacefully
nary a sign of nightmares
I watch in envy
how easily you sluimber
despite the mantle we're under
doubts plague me
my dreams filled with fear
nightmares prevail
END

These were written on May 27, 2000
effort matters not to you
your eyes sealed shut to the deeds others do
your heart stone cold to the love given you
Your mind locked tight against any belief but your own
a prisoner of your past
repeating the same pattern
destined to fail
no matter what happens
caged by your fears
you let no one near
instead you lash out
forever unfair
END

I gave you everything
you discarded it all
I blamed myself
tried every harder
you turned away
no explanations
no communication
cold silence is all
END


what a mess. I still find it hard to believe that I let someone screw me up that badly again. I am getting better though.