I have found myself doing alot of thinking today about why I went on antidepressents while I was living with Jack. We had been having numerous arguments, in which I was always the one who was wrong, even when I was right. This had led me to become desperate to please Jack, and from that desperation I would lose my cool alot faster and cry or yell. On top of that came all the emotional and mental stuff from the fusion being broken and my having to spend more time off my feet again and in more pain. We had argued for a while, over something that I felt I had every right to be upset with. He and I had discussed playing wiht others and things like that. He had agreed to let me know if something like that were going to take place. Well he started talking with someone who lived only a couple hours from us, and she had expressed an interest in meeting with him and possibly playing in the future. he had expressed the same interest to her. All I asked was that I know if he was going to meet her. We had started arguing because when I had been there for a short while we had discussed play partners and polys and stuff like that and he had insisted he did not want another sub, nor did he wish to play with another. He said that his wife and myself were more than enough for him. I was very satisfied with this. I had told him outright that I could handle his being married, but I didn't think I could handle him taking another sub or playing with another sub due to how my marriage with LK had ended with him literally replacing me wiht another woman. After a while, he started talking about really wanting to play with this girl and all that. I said something along the lines of I had thought he didn't want another sub or things like that. He swore he never said that to me. At the same time he started talking about moving in another woman, a sub who was pregnant beacuse he didn't want her to have an abortion and he wanted to provide her with another option rather than see her go through the pain of an abortion. He even asked if Doe and/or I would be agreeable to adopting the baby once it was born. We talked about it, and I had no trouble saying yes to the baby or the woman living with us until he started talking about collaring her and training her and all that. Again he swore he never said he wouldn't take a third and that I was mistaken. I felt very hurt and betrayed because I remembered what he said. I even looked it up in my jorunals and sure enough it was in there. My thoughts about him saying he didn't want a third. He swore I made it up or remembered wrong. We argued for a couple days, with him saying some pretty mean things, really hurting my feelings and doing it on purpose. I finally lost control and started screaming back at him. Well anyway, we made the agreement that he would let me know before he did anything, and I forced myself to accept the others (be they play partner or live in) because as his slave, I had no choice and if I wanted the relationship to continue I had to accept this arrangement. No problem, I could live with it. THen, he went and met with this woman who lived two hours away, without telling me he was going to do it. I found out because someone msg me on ICQ and asked me why I wasn't going with him to meet her. When he got home, he was very tired. I was not going to bring it up until the next day because he was tired. Instead, he brought it up. He demanded that I tell him how I felt, and I told him that it hurt my feeling to have him break his promise to me about not meeting her without telling me first. He of course heard it as I was completely insanely jealous and was telling him he couldn't meet new people without my permission, which was not at all what I was saying, I had said exactly what I meant, that his not telling me hurt my feelings. He said some really cruel things, and I got very angry. Doe of course came down on his side. I was upset that he broke his word to me, not that he had met with this woman. Neither of them understood this. This argument continued for a while, and I ended up crying for 24 hours straight. That's when I went and got anti depressants, I figured if I was crying like that for that long, that I was depressed. I continued taking them for a while. Eventually Jack accused me of using tears to mainpulate him and as "water works" which I wasn't doing. THis really hurt because the only reason I even allowed myself to cry in front of him was he had initially insisted that to force myself to hold back my tears when I needed/wanted to cry, was unhealthy for me and I should allow myself to release those feelings if I needed to. HIs change of viewpoint on this contributed a great deal to the problems that only got worse as time went on. I re-trained myself not to cry. and the zoloft helped with this by smoothing out my mood. The erosion of my self esteem had begun. Jack would accuse me of being irrational no matter how calm I was when speaking to him. This insult would of course set me off because it hurt me so badly by completely dismissing the efforts i was making and the progress I had already made. Now when I think back on it, I think he would purposely hurt me emotionally in order to make me explode so he could back up his insult that I was irrational. Eventually, I learned to not react to his shit and just keep my mouth shut. Unforunately, I couldn't do this for more than 2 weeks at a time before I literally lost my mind.

Anyway, in April I stopped taking the Zoloft because I no longer believed I was the irrational one. Having been there for over a year, and having seen first hand both his mood swings and Doe's, I felt that I was not the one who needed drugs that badly. That and I no longer was in bed, my pain was in control, and I no longer felt the need for the pills. I went through some withdrawl, where my moods were inconsistent for a couple weeks, but that leveled out. The last few months that I lived there, I did not take the meds, and neither Jack nor Doe noticed any change in my moods with the expection of my PMS weeks when I would get quieter to control my crankiness. THere was no increase in our arguments, nor decreases. There was no change in my crying, it didn't get worse, it didn't get better. I became angry that I had stayed on the medication as long as I had because I was afraid I would lose Jack if I stopped taking them. I became enraged that they both insisted I take the pills when their behavior was 3 times worse than mine ever was. I think for Jack, the zoloft was the easy "out" for him. I think he figured the zoloft would take care of my "moods" and he wouldn't have to put any effort forth to communicate with me or support me in any way. Sort of on the same lines he believed with the roses. Occasionally he would bring me roses. He expected those roses to replace any loving/intimiate interaction between us. For him, by giving me a rose, it wiped the slate clean of every insult, every cold shoulder and all that. I was suppsoed to see the roses as a replacement for him and a physical symbol that he cared about me. I did see them as the symbol, but they never replaced the personal one on one interaction that we had once had before everything got so bad. He could never understand how I was not satisfied with a rose every week and why I still wanted play, intercourse, conversation and things like that. I think part of the reason he could not comprehend how I could not be 100% satisfied with an almost platonic relationship was because his wife could. She did not need, nor even want, to talk to him about how she felt or what she thought. She did not want sex with him or need it. To her, just his insulting her once in a while, and thus showing he noticed her, was enough. It wasn't enough for me. Maybe that makes me selfish, but I don't think so. I don't think any other person would have accepted the stuff that was going on. Three and four day silences for no given reason. sex once a month. conversations almost never unless it was neccessary for the business. no interpersonal interaction and no support for anything. A very cold relationship. Very sad. very very sad.