- I enjoy helping others learn and LnR has a large number of educational essays on BDSM related topics designed to help others learn. (over 1000 pages)
- I enjoy writing essays and articles that explain bdsm related topics in a way that is easy to understand and non-judgmental.
- I want LnR to be a non-biased web site. One that contains many different points of view, rather than just one point of view. This is because each relationship is different, and what works for one person doesn't not work for every person. So by providing varying points of view, I make it easier for people who are learning bdsm to find what will work for them.
In Arizona, Jack told me that he was proud of my abilities as a writer. He said he was proud of the web site. He also said that he would never take either of those things away from me as they mean so much to me and because I am good at it. As time went on he broke that promise. When I wrote or worked on the site, he started complaining that I was ignoring him, ignoring the family, and not fulfilling my duties as his slave . On a couple of occasions I was punished for things I wrote (both in essays or in my journal). I developed a major fear of Jack and his reactions to things, and after a while I stopped writing or working on the site in order to appease Jack so I would not be yelled at, punished, completely ignored or any other number of negative (and harmful to me) responses he would give me. Because of this I quickly developed a mental block about writing. I did not realize it was there, nor how strong it was until I moved to Florida.
When I tried to write here, I would start to shake. I'd feel panicky and terrified to be caught. Master tried to soothe me by telling me the same complimentary things Jack told me. But my recent experiences made it impossible for me to believe him. The writing block continued. It reached a point where I no longer even tried to write because I was starting to have anxiety attacks when I did try. Master chose to follow his instincts on this one and leave it alone for a while. This was to give me time to heal a lot of the other things that were wrong with me at the time. He figured that if I healed everything else, the writing would come back.
Well I have managed to heal a great deal of the issues I came to Florida with and am proud of myself for doing so. About 8 months ago Master realized I hadn't added any article to the website that I had written myself since the abuse articles I put up in 2000. This really upset him. He was not angry with me, he was upset that someone had gone so far to erase my desire to write and replace it with a fear of punishment for writing and thus a fear of writing. He asked me to write an article for an IRC channel we were taking part in on a regular basis. The channel was doing an "E-zine" kind of thing and wanted me to write something for it. I decided to write an article on the Value Of A Slave. So I opened Word 2000 and tried to write. I got the introductory paragraph in but then hit that same fear based block and couldn't do it. I started shaking and sweating. I told Master I could not do it and begged forgiveness. Well, he was out of patience and gave me an order to write the article no matter what and gave me a time limit. This made the fear worse at first, but I kept telling myself that he was doing this to help me, not hurt me and that he wouldn't punish me for it. It took a great deal of effort but I got the article done in a rough draft form.
Since then I have done 10 more rough drafts or outlines of different articles. I can do that much easily again. The block reappears when it is time to do the re-write and clean the article up of any errors and unclear statements. So now I can't do that part, and so "Value of a Slave" remains unfinished in my mind, but is posted on that ezine site.
I was speaking to a friend of mine, Fire-Soul, today and we got on the topic of writing. He came across an article I wrote on LNR and said it needed to be updated. I read it and could clearly see where it needed updated. Ideas popped into my head, I started getting excited and then BOOM there was the fear and I just couldn't think of a single thing!!!! I told Fire-Soul of this reaction and he said I should write notes when ideas hit me. I told him that when I try to start writing them down, the ideas just disappear, they're just gone. So he came back at me with the idea of using a tape recorder, since I told him I can speak about my ideas, the outlines and even whole paragraphs of an article. He said I should talk to the tape recorder so that when I go to sit down and actually write it, I can use the tape recorder to remind me of what I wanted to say. I think that is a wonderful idea! I can't believe I hadn't thought of it myself. That's probably because I try hard not to think about having lost something that meant so very much to me. Hell, being able to write the way I could was *ME*. It meant so much to me, gave me a purpose, a goal. It satisfied so many needs in me like the need to learn new things, the need to help others learn new things, the need to create things that others would enjoy (be it a story, poem or cross stitch). I really have missed not being able to write the way I used to. So I will use the recorder and see if it helps. I think it will because the tape will be my memory of what I wanted to say or where I wanted to take the essay, rather than my mind.
My hope now is that by using the tape recorder, I will eventually reach a point where it won't be necessary anymore unless I start interviewing others to put their experiences and points of view on the site. Ohhhh, interesting idea!
Ok..That's enough for today. Thank you so much Fire-Soul, you don't know how much this means to me. If it works, I owe you big big big time!!!
Raven
1 comment:
Hello My Lady,
Read your log and had a few thoughts about it.
One, your writing isnt dead, the "Value Of A Slave" showed that very clearly.
Two, the fear that still clings to you is understandable, and since it is understandable workable with a reasoned and disciplined mind such as yours
Three, when you do feel that fear that I will somehow become upset over something you write recall my pleasure at reading so much of your work, and also recall that even when you have written painful things I have always tried my best to use the knowledge I learned to better things for us both,
Four, Remember that I love you
Five, Write with joy in your heart, think of those people who have written to you over the years, sometimes almost overcome with emotion, to thank you for your words and relate to you how much you have helped them understand that thier inner most desires were not sick and filthy, but instead were just a part of themselves that others could understand. That those needs, while parhaps not acceptable by the way they were raised, were none the less, Right for Them.
Six, Recall I am Proud of you for what you have already accomplished and what you do in the future can only add to that pride.
You are my beloved slave.
Ron
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