I spent alot of time today thinking about being afraid of Jack even now that I'm not with him. I've wondered why it is still there. Will it ever go away? why do I even give a shit how he feels or what he thinks? It's so confusing sometimes. I wonder if my mind is just trying to drive myself insane. Then I think that for a while there, things went very well. And for quite a while, he was my main focus. Those things are not easy to just erase no matter what occured in the relationship. I had a really weird dream last night, and Jack was in it. We were just talking for some of the time, then we were playing. He had me suspended from the rafter of a garage, though not his garage and was flogging me. I was begging him to stop and he wouldn't. I woke up before it ended, so I don't know what happened or what would have happened. When I woke up I was shaking a bit and very flustered. It took me a few moments to realize where I was and who was touching my leg. When I went back to sleep the dream picked up almost where it left off but it wasn't Jack flogging me anymore, it was my master. Very weird. I wonder if my subcoscious was bringing up the fear I felt while speaking with Jack via ICQ yesterday? It could be. I'm not a dream interpretor so who the hell knows, I'm just guessing.

This afternoon, I found myself remembering when Jack and I took the kids over to Jack's brother's house for a cook out. Jack's brother and his wife had made steaks and salad as stuff. I served Jack his plate, and attended his needs without having to be asked. This was fairly early in the relationship. And Jack, on the way home, told me how proud he was of me, how I had pleased him and how perfectly I had served his needs and desires in front of others without being self conscious about it. I don't know why that memory popped up, but it did. Since it did, I figured I'd pop it in here. I'm guessing that it popped up because I had talked about how it wasn't all bad between him and I when I blogged yesterday. That makes some sense to me.