As you may or may not know, I am helping a close friend of mine as she heals herself from a very abusive relationship that lasted 7 years. Lets call them Jill and Phil. Phil treated Jill very badly, so that even now (months after having left him) she still fees this need to contact him once a while, though he does not know its her. Part of me wants so badly to tell her not to do this because it will be bad in the long run. But then I think, I was still talking to Jack after I left him. Of cousre he blamed everything on me, and I always felt like a completely waste of skin every time I spoke to him. But it was like this cumpulsion. Part of me so badly needed his approval, needed him to say I did something right finally instead of something wrong. Of course that never came, and eventually I had to realize it never was going to come. Jack is just incapable of seeing how hard others try to mak him happy. He never truly appreciates what others do for him.
Over the Christmas holidays I found myself wondering time to time if he was having a good holiday. And every time that thought crossed my mind I mentally kicked myself in the ass. I should not care if his holidays are good or if they suck for the rest of his life. Why can't I stay angry with him? Is it becuase I was trained so well that he is not wrong, I am? Is it because I can't shake the belief that I was the failure?
I know I was not the failure, I know I did every thing I could do to please him, no matter how humiliating it was to myself. But it was never enough. Sometimes remembering this makes me so angry!! and I know the anger is a normal. I know I did the best I could, but sometimes I just don't believe it. I think this is a common pitfall that submissives in general tend to fall for.
Ok I'm falling asleep..going to stop here.
No comments:
Post a Comment