So how is all of this affecting me now? Honestly, it still affects me. Submission is still not coming naturaly to me the way it used to. There are times that it does, but more often than not I still have to struggle against disobedience based on my fears. It has gotten easier in the past two years. I had hoped to be further along than I am though. Those days where i have to struggle to obey really bother me. I end up feeling guilty for it and trying not to berate myself for not being the way I was just a few years ago. Ron is happy with me the way I am, he says. He has a goal in mind for our relationship, but he is willing to take as much time as neccessary to get me to that point. He doesn't want to push me, or rush me. That doesn't mean he doesn't challenge me because he does. He will push me too. He's been slowly increasing the number of tasks I have to do. He's begun requiring the use of honorifics in cerrtain situations, though he would prefer I call him Master he realizes that I just can't use that word freely anymore and is willing to accept Sir instead. He did say that there will come a time when Master will be the only one accepted. He has removed safewords and set restrictions on my ability to just walk out. I have to give him 90 days from the time I state I want to leave and during those 90 days the power exchange comse second to figuring out and working on whatevr problems have arisen that are bad enough to make me want to leave. He demands a journal entry every day and has started pushing for verbal expressions of my thoughts and feelings, especially the fears I still hold. I can kneel in front of him now and not feel ashamed or scared that he's going to hurt me somehow. I even get feelings of happiness more often now.
I still struggle mostly in the areas of mental submission. I am still so very afraid to completely trust him and just obey, believing that he has done his best to think of every possible ramification of his orders. Thinking of what he'd want from me in any situation before thinking of what I want or would prefer to do, still takes a concious effort. It doesn't come naturally yet. I also find it difficult to share my feelings with him verbally and sometimes I still can't share them in my journal. I've been working harder and harder on that one recently. I've just been swallowing the fear that he might explode or hate me or something like that and writing the stuff down anyway. With each entry I do this way, and he doesn't punish me for it, berate me or respond in any ohter negative way, it gets a little easier the next time. I have been able to let go of my own limits and just accept his as my own. But its easier for me to trust people with my body than with my heart and mind. I'm making progres but I still feel impatient. I still get angry and feel hurt. I still feel broken. I miss the joy I used to feel in serving, when it was the more frequent feeling. now the more frequent feeling is anxiety. Did I do it right? Is it what he wanted? will he be happy? Did I miss anything? I still haven't recovered my confidence in my ability to serve and serve well.
Jac used orgasm control in our relationship. At first it was a way of "torturing me"..a very pleasurable way, and I enjoyed it. Evenutally he started using orgasm denial as punishment and many times I never knew what I had done. He'd come in, initiate sex and purposely do everything he knew that would make me orgasm then tell me not to, that I hadn't earned it, or wasn't good enough to have that pleasure. He'd even refuse to orgasm inside me, sayiong I hadn't earned that "honor". Sometimes this was followed by him leaving to go sleep elsewhere because I wasn't good enough or didn't deserve to be in the same bed as him. Sometimes he wouldn't even tell me why he was denying me and ignoring me, he'd just do it. And since I knew I couldn't say no to him and no longer had the will nor desire to say no to him, I had to accept it. He also demanded that I always be either ready for sex or close enough that little foreplay was needed for me to be physically ready. He'd pinch my nipples, or rub my clit, nibble on my ears and such, all to keep me horny alot of the time. At first this was great and I enjoyed the sexual tension, the arousal. But eventually he either lost interest in having sex with me, or whatever..the end result being that I'd be horny alot of the time, and it wouldn't get satisfied. it rapidly became a hell of a distraction, so I had to learn to ignore it. I had to learn to ignore stimulation that would cause orgasm. This resulted in my being unable to get aroused quickly, or reach orgasm easily. I very rarely felt any desire to have sex at all. It just became automatic to supress and ignore it. This is driving me nuts because Ron wants me to feel horny, to initiate sex, fantasize about sex and play and tell him what those fantasies are. I just couldn't do it. I've been forcing myself to be more aware of how my body feels physically and have tentatively initiated sex a couple times. I was afriad he'd get mad at me, tell me I was too demanding, trying to control him, topping from the bottom and all that stuff that Jack accused me of when I'd initiate sex. It really hurt too because at first he wanted me to initiate sex, said he really liked to know that I wanted sex. he didn't always fulfill my request, and I didn't expect him to. Eventually however, he stopped viewing it as a request and labeled it a demand, topping from the bottom or trying to control him. It really hurt because by that point my request was simply that..."would you like to fool around tonight Master?"..I had already stopped trying to initiate it physically because he spurned that first and punished me for it. So initiating sex was his job and I simply had to ignore or supress my own desires for sex whenever they came up, which they did less and less often. With Ron I behaved the same way. Initiating sex was his job. He says he was fine with this, that it didn't bother him. But it sure as hell bothered me. I used to enjoy initiating sex, seducing my partner playfuly. I was even able to ask for play, even if it was just a need for pain not sub space. But I lost that too. I felt like I had completely lost my sex drive and that bothered me. Ron stumbled on a way of breaking through that wall a little bit. We played one night a few weeks ago and I reached the point in sub space where all thought was gone and I reacted solely on how I was feeling physicaly and emotionaly. Since I was extremely aroused, I initiated sex by spending time nibbling and caressing his body. Turning him on with what I was doing and things I'd say. I wasn't thinking about it at all, just reacting. He really liked it and I loved it. For that period of time I felt like my old self sexually. He didn't get mad, feel I was controling him, think I was topping from the bottom or any other negative thing. This gave me a little bit of courage and I'm starting to feel a bit more comfortable initiating sex, or just asking if he's in the mood when I am. I've relaxed a little during sex too, becoming a more active participant like I used to be. taking the initiative to explore his body, rather than wait for him to order me to do things like Jack eventually prefered. It felt good too. :)
Overall I'd say i'm doing much better than I was last year and the year before that. I've still got a ways to go yet, and I no longer believe I will ever be the way I used to be entirely. I no longer believe submission will ever come naturally again. I'm far to wary and self protecting for that now. Part of me hopes I'm wrong, hell alot of me hopes I'm wrong, but I just don't know and I don't want to get my hopes up that I can acheive that because it drives me crazy when I fail at it.
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