I've been doing alot of thinking. My relationship with Ron is changing again, growing, become stronger in the power exchange areas. At first, I started rebelling. Why? fear. I was very scared of submitting my will to Ron's and scared of submitting my heart. Afraid he would take it all away from me once I got used to it. Afraid I wouldn't be good enough, sub enough, or anything else. I knew those fears come partly from the relationship with Jack. This angered me because I try so hard not to let that crap from Jack affect my relationship with Ron, but the lessons I learned are still there. I learned to keep my mouth shut and it's been difficult to open up and talk with Ron about things that mean alot to me somehow. Like wanting a spanking just to feel the pain and the heat afterwards. I am afraid to tell him that verbally. I do however bite the bullet and force myself to write the things I'm afraid to say in my journal, knowing he will read them there and thus I've "told" him. I am hoping that the time will come where I will be able to talk to him verbally and feel okay about it. But I still react like I did when I was with Jack, not as intensely but it's still there. The coldness in the pit of my belly, my mind gets fuzzy and I just can't talk. Paralyzed with fear that if I do open my mouth he'll be pissed at me and ignore me for a few days, or he'll be pissed at me and bust my ass for whatever I said. Or he'll accuse me of topping from the bottom because I said I needed a hug. Or he'll accuse me of manipulating him because I said I was sad or something. These fears are things I could happily live without but I think they are going to take more time. It is so difficult to undo the behavior I learned with Jack, to undo the reactions I learned to have with Jack. Often when people look at abuse what they see are the bruises and physical scars and once those are healed they think the victim is perfectly fine now. But that's not true. The emotional scars, the learned self protective behavior patterns, the fear based behavior/reactionary patterns are all still tehre, and those things take more time to correct. Some people find it easier to heal than others do. Some people never heal for whatever reason. I am one that takes a bit of time, but I am making progress. Hopefully the day will come where I don't dream of Jack's silences, irrational rages and mood swings at night anymore then wake up and find myself expecting Ron to act that way for the next couple of days.

I was holding back my mental and emotional submission to Ron out of fear. Fear caused by Jack abusing the mental and emotional submission I gave him. His will over rode mine in every thing. If he wanted something done, I did it, no matter what it was or how I personally felt about it. He didn't force me to do things I wasn't ready for, I will give him that. Like with the drinking his urine and golden shower thing, he brought the subject up and we talked about it off and on for a while. He waited for the "shock factor" to wear off, which it did. Then when he knew I had become very obedient to his orders, he ordered me to kneel naked in the shower stall and proceeded to urinate on me. I was scared at first, then I found that I enjoyed it. Partly because it felt good, warm and stuff. But mostly because when I opened my eyes and peeked at Jack the pure pleasure on his face turned me on. Same with drinking from him. Obeying him, gave me pleasure. Doing things for him, gave me pleasure. I want to have that same feeling of ownership, submission and pleasure again. But there is a mental block in my head. Fear of letting myself submit that deeply again and being hurt or manipulated like I was before. Sometimes realizing that this block is there really makes me angry at Jack. Sometimes I get angry at Jack for everything that happened. Other times I am grateful for the things he taught me, which he did teach me alot of things. I am better than I was however because my will is slowly submititng to Ron's. Hopefully this means that eventually I will not have this block anymore, and hopefully when that happens I will be free of the negative left overs from the relationship with Jack.

Sometimes I wonder if Jack ever realized, fully realized, how abusive he had become towards me. How opposite his stated desires were from the desires his actions said he wanted. I wonder if he has ever realized that what he was wanting is not a sub or a slave, but a doormat. I wonder if he has ever realized that spending 30 minutes belitting someone for no real reason is abusive. I doubt it. he has spent far too many years of his life doing these things, and to him they are normal and "right". It's sad really.