So how is all of this affecting me now? Honestly, it still affects me. Submission is still not coming naturaly to me the way it used to. There are times that it does, but more often than not I still have to struggle against disobedience based on my fears. It has gotten easier in the past two years. I had hoped to be further along than I am though. Those days where i have to struggle to obey really bother me. I end up feeling guilty for it and trying not to berate myself for not being the way I was just a few years ago. Ron is happy with me the way I am, he says. He has a goal in mind for our relationship, but he is willing to take as much time as neccessary to get me to that point. He doesn't want to push me, or rush me. That doesn't mean he doesn't challenge me because he does. He will push me too. He's been slowly increasing the number of tasks I have to do. He's begun requiring the use of honorifics in cerrtain situations, though he would prefer I call him Master he realizes that I just can't use that word freely anymore and is willing to accept Sir instead. He did say that there will come a time when Master will be the only one accepted. He has removed safewords and set restrictions on my ability to just walk out. I have to give him 90 days from the time I state I want to leave and during those 90 days the power exchange comse second to figuring out and working on whatevr problems have arisen that are bad enough to make me want to leave. He demands a journal entry every day and has started pushing for verbal expressions of my thoughts and feelings, especially the fears I still hold. I can kneel in front of him now and not feel ashamed or scared that he's going to hurt me somehow. I even get feelings of happiness more often now.
I still struggle mostly in the areas of mental submission. I am still so very afraid to completely trust him and just obey, believing that he has done his best to think of every possible ramification of his orders. Thinking of what he'd want from me in any situation before thinking of what I want or would prefer to do, still takes a concious effort. It doesn't come naturally yet. I also find it difficult to share my feelings with him verbally and sometimes I still can't share them in my journal. I've been working harder and harder on that one recently. I've just been swallowing the fear that he might explode or hate me or something like that and writing the stuff down anyway. With each entry I do this way, and he doesn't punish me for it, berate me or respond in any ohter negative way, it gets a little easier the next time. I have been able to let go of my own limits and just accept his as my own. But its easier for me to trust people with my body than with my heart and mind. I'm making progres but I still feel impatient. I still get angry and feel hurt. I still feel broken. I miss the joy I used to feel in serving, when it was the more frequent feeling. now the more frequent feeling is anxiety. Did I do it right? Is it what he wanted? will he be happy? Did I miss anything? I still haven't recovered my confidence in my ability to serve and serve well.
Jac used orgasm control in our relationship. At first it was a way of "torturing me"..a very pleasurable way, and I enjoyed it. Evenutally he started using orgasm denial as punishment and many times I never knew what I had done. He'd come in, initiate sex and purposely do everything he knew that would make me orgasm then tell me not to, that I hadn't earned it, or wasn't good enough to have that pleasure. He'd even refuse to orgasm inside me, sayiong I hadn't earned that "honor". Sometimes this was followed by him leaving to go sleep elsewhere because I wasn't good enough or didn't deserve to be in the same bed as him. Sometimes he wouldn't even tell me why he was denying me and ignoring me, he'd just do it. And since I knew I couldn't say no to him and no longer had the will nor desire to say no to him, I had to accept it. He also demanded that I always be either ready for sex or close enough that little foreplay was needed for me to be physically ready. He'd pinch my nipples, or rub my clit, nibble on my ears and such, all to keep me horny alot of the time. At first this was great and I enjoyed the sexual tension, the arousal. But eventually he either lost interest in having sex with me, or whatever..the end result being that I'd be horny alot of the time, and it wouldn't get satisfied. it rapidly became a hell of a distraction, so I had to learn to ignore it. I had to learn to ignore stimulation that would cause orgasm. This resulted in my being unable to get aroused quickly, or reach orgasm easily. I very rarely felt any desire to have sex at all. It just became automatic to supress and ignore it. This is driving me nuts because Ron wants me to feel horny, to initiate sex, fantasize about sex and play and tell him what those fantasies are. I just couldn't do it. I've been forcing myself to be more aware of how my body feels physically and have tentatively initiated sex a couple times. I was afriad he'd get mad at me, tell me I was too demanding, trying to control him, topping from the bottom and all that stuff that Jack accused me of when I'd initiate sex. It really hurt too because at first he wanted me to initiate sex, said he really liked to know that I wanted sex. he didn't always fulfill my request, and I didn't expect him to. Eventually however, he stopped viewing it as a request and labeled it a demand, topping from the bottom or trying to control him. It really hurt because by that point my request was simply that..."would you like to fool around tonight Master?"..I had already stopped trying to initiate it physically because he spurned that first and punished me for it. So initiating sex was his job and I simply had to ignore or supress my own desires for sex whenever they came up, which they did less and less often. With Ron I behaved the same way. Initiating sex was his job. He says he was fine with this, that it didn't bother him. But it sure as hell bothered me. I used to enjoy initiating sex, seducing my partner playfuly. I was even able to ask for play, even if it was just a need for pain not sub space. But I lost that too. I felt like I had completely lost my sex drive and that bothered me. Ron stumbled on a way of breaking through that wall a little bit. We played one night a few weeks ago and I reached the point in sub space where all thought was gone and I reacted solely on how I was feeling physicaly and emotionaly. Since I was extremely aroused, I initiated sex by spending time nibbling and caressing his body. Turning him on with what I was doing and things I'd say. I wasn't thinking about it at all, just reacting. He really liked it and I loved it. For that period of time I felt like my old self sexually. He didn't get mad, feel I was controling him, think I was topping from the bottom or any other negative thing. This gave me a little bit of courage and I'm starting to feel a bit more comfortable initiating sex, or just asking if he's in the mood when I am. I've relaxed a little during sex too, becoming a more active participant like I used to be. taking the initiative to explore his body, rather than wait for him to order me to do things like Jack eventually prefered. It felt good too. :)
Overall I'd say i'm doing much better than I was last year and the year before that. I've still got a ways to go yet, and I no longer believe I will ever be the way I used to be entirely. I no longer believe submission will ever come naturally again. I'm far to wary and self protecting for that now. Part of me hopes I'm wrong, hell alot of me hopes I'm wrong, but I just don't know and I don't want to get my hopes up that I can acheive that because it drives me crazy when I fail at it.
Saturday, May 03, 2003
Journal Entry From Computer
This is a journal entry that I did on the computer. I didn't realize it was there because it was saved in the wrong folder. I came accross it tonight while doing some clean up on my hard drive. The poems in this journal entry, have been re-written and finished since I first wrote them here. I'll post them too.
July 14, 2000 Friday 12:53 AM
Been an interesting day today. Ron took me to the mall to look at possible collars. I freaked out. Got all tense and scared. I couldn’t do it. I was actualy shaking in the store! It helped that there weren’t any that I liked. But I got cranky when we got home after that. Which I don’t like at all. Makes it worse is that I snapped at Ayli over something I normally wouldn’t have snapped about. Talk about feeling guilty. She stayed away from me for a few hours, I can’t really blame her. I hurt her feelings and I know I did. But I couldn’t help it. We did talk and she understood, which was very nice.
My mind is running a million miles a minute. I am hurting inside and depressed. Not a good combination. I’m not exactly sure why other than because I told Ron no to a collar. Asked him to wait, that I couldn’t handle it yet. I felt very guilty about that because I had said yes, now I’m saying no. Which is not fair and I’m sure it hurt him. Though he said he wasn’t mad, which is odd to me. He should be mad. Least I would think he’d be mad. I probably would be if I were him. But I’m not him, which is probably a good thing. I just got so very scared about everything. It isn’t Ron I’m afraid of, it’s what he’s offering and what he stands for that scares me. I mean, he keeps talking about how much he loves me, how great I am and how long he wants to be with me. That he expects things to go wonderfully between us and I find myself just waiting for things to fall apart. For the other shoe to fall. For me to fuck up and him to hate me for it. I know that’s silly. My mind knows all that, but it doesn’t change how I feel. Which really really sucks. But I can’t seem to change how I feel no matter how hard I try. Then I get mad at myself for feeling this way. And I get mad at Jack for making it possible for me to feel this way. I hate it so much it isn’t funny. I sit here and I wonder why I even bothered to come here. I sit here waiting for Ron to get pissed at me and ask me to leave, or just tell me to leave. I sit here scared shit to do or say anything, not because he will yell, but because he won’t. And I don’t seem to have any self-control over my mouth anymore because he doesn’t get mad at me. It’s all very confusing and I hate being confused as much as I hate hurting inside. I can’t even put how I feel into words other than I feel broken. Very much broken. ANd I don't mean my back. Submission was part of how I defined myself. It came so easily to me, so naturally. I loved it and loved myself when I was submitting. Now? The very idea of kneeling before ANYONE scares me so bad I want to throw up. The very thought of feeling a collar on my neck paralyzed me and I can't think or talk, my mind is just blank and all I can do is shake.
I’ve gotten back online and found that even typing in a stupid IRC serve is something I have to force myself to do now. Which is even dumber. It’s like part of my mind has completely shut off any show of submission at all. Even silly things like IRC serves. I find myself fighting against any feeling of submitting to Ron and wanting to tell him NO to everything just because I’m afraid to say yes. I find myself smart mouthing way past my own limits because I want a reaction from him. I want to know what will happen if I piss him off. I want to know how much he will take before he reigns me in. Yet, I don’t give him the right to reign me in. It’s pretty stupid, shallow and mean of me. But I’m not doing it on purpose. I find myself doing it without thinking which is even worse I think. I realize it after I've done it and then berate myself for doing it. Once again I feel ashamed of myself, my desires, my behavior, everything. I'm terrified to let myself be who I really am, everytime I try I freak out.
I feel the need to write but nothing really seems to want to make any sense. I’m not sure why. hmmmm..maybe poems?
broken heart
shattered dreams
scarred soul
eyes blinded
mind closed
nowhere else to go
wander fields of pain
travel shadowed paths
mapped by confusion
nothing to gain
the past mars the present
dissolving any future
doomed to ever wander
corridors with no aim
end
heart filled with sorrow
of days long past
angry words once spoken
hateful words once spat
wounded soul left over
scared of a new day
confused
alone
mind weary of grief
the past remains present
no matter the tears I weep
END
Many lessons learned
old fears returned
darkness surrounds me
soul dipped in pain
eyes swallowed by tears
mind frozen by shame
end
thinking of the past
anger overwhelmes
hurtful deeds
hateful words
each one remembered
fuels the anger
thinking of the past
confusion fills me
why this?
Why that?
why me?
No answers coming
thinking of the past
fear consumes me
cold
lonely
empty
no hope I can see
END
All I had
once was yours
changed to fit you
failed that quest
all I had
I gave to you
Everything I could
I did for you
Try as I might
nothing was enough
confusion now reigns supreme
wondering why I tried
you took all I had
tore it apart
tossed it back
left a bleeding heart
no sign of remorse
no, not from you
END
Sometimes I wonder why people have to live through so much shit in their lives. It just doesn’t seem fair. You love someone to the best of your abilities, and it isn’t enough for them. You do everything the best way that you can and it isn’t enough for them. In an m/s relationship, you submit everything to them, and they rip you apart in return. Is it a personal failing? Or is it a failing in the other person? Is it something wrong with them that they can’t see or accept the love from another person? That they can't handle the full submission they asked for and said they wanted? Why does it even matter to me? I mean come on, I know for a fact the shit that Jack pulled with me is flat out abusive. If it wasn't it wouldn't have caused the damage I'm now dealing with. I wouldn't be apologizing for everything from the time, to the weather, to someone else's mistakes. I know for a fact that he caused some serious problems inside me. I know all this, yet I still wonder why it all happened, I still blame myself like he taught me to. Looking to myself to see what I did wrong. Yet, I can’t find much. Other than I made a bad decision, didn’t trust my instincts. I should have known better.
Words once said
spoke to my dreams
binding my soul
promises made
woke hope in my soul
tied my heart to yours
the words were lies
the promises broken
my heart shattered
soul torn
I mourn for what could have been
what once was
what never was
those sweet words you spoke
gilt promises you couldn’t keep
mourn for all I’ve lost
to your lying ways
end
silver tongued fool
speak words untrue
bind people to you
blinded to the truth
sweet words of love
mask your poisonous soul
promises for the future
only empty words
END
there is power in words
ideas realized
fantasies come to life
dreams take form
hope takes flight
words weave a spell
magic of their own
words beget emotions
from a never ending well
words cause more damage
leaving deeper scars
then knife, gun or fist
END
Simple messages conveyed
emotions woken
yearnings stirred
by a few simple words
END
Time heals everything
so people say
healing takes effort
every single day
overcome past hurts
resolve the anger
face the ghosts
ban them forever
time alone heals nothing
desire
effort
patience
mixed with time
will heal any hurt
even mine
END
a new day dawns
ready or not
each day a struggle
with fear you have wrought
each moment in time
tried to deny
fears that are mine
each hour passes
a new fight begins
END
time passes slowly
for a heart heavy with grief
each moment reminds me
of tears I can’t weep
days merge together
no beginning or end
lost to the fear
clouding my head
END
Everything I had
all that I was
all I could be
I gave to you
All that you wanted
became all I needed
Everything you dreamed of
I dreamt of too
Everything you desired
I strived to fulfill
Everything you craved
I tried to supply
Gave up myself
to be what you wanted
Eventually I realized
you could not be satisfied
Now I’m left wondering
who am I?
END
Well I feel calmer now. So I guess that helped. I suppose this is a good thing. I haven’t done that in a while. I showed the poems to Ayli and she said there is no hope or light in them. I am not feeling much hope or light right now, so I wrote what I felt. She said she understood that.
I just realized I wrote the beginnings of 13 new poems in the space of an hour. I haven’t done that in a while. I guess I needed the release and I needed it badly. It helped me.
Ron is sleeping now. I feel very guilty for not being able to give him what he wants so badly. But I can’t give it yet. I am hoping I will be able to give it to him some day, but for now, I just can’t. And honestly, I don't know if I ever will be able to submit again with that same ease I did before. I am still too hurt and scared of myself to do it. I am afraid of being hurt and afraid of tearing myself apart again for no reason. I am afraid to submit because it is so easy to use submission and really hurt me. I don’t want Ron to think I don’t love him, because I do and I have for years. But I am afraid of how I feel because it makes me want to do things for him and be sub to him and that is scary. But when I try, I freak out. He is so patient and I apprecaite that, but I worry that he may eventually feel that I am taking advantage of his patience and his love for me. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing that. I know I’m using his patience to give myself the time I need so badly right now but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I just hope he doesn’t think I’m using him in a bad way if you know what I mean.
He asked me what I dream of and I couldn’t answer him. Partly because I haven’t allowed myself to dream much in the past 9 months or so. That’s because my dreams would never come true and I knew it so it hurt less to just not dream at all. But I do have my dreams, they are locked up in the back of my mind, nice and safe there. Every once in a while I look at them and put them back, just to make sure they are still there. I dream of being off social security. I dream of having a home. I dream of having someone I can love and who will love me back. I dream of having Sam all better. I dream of owning a mustang. I dream of getting married some day and this time having it work. I dream of being able to trust someone and know that no matter what happens, they won’t desert me. I dream of being a writer. I dream of being a pharmacist. I dream of cuddling, and talking. I dream of being good for the world somehow. I dream of being a good mother. I dream of my kids when they get older. I dream of owning my own business. I dream of submitting to someone who won’t take advantage of what I am. I dream of being happy. I dream of being loved. I dream of being safe inside myself. I dream of being myself. I dream of so many different things. When I think of what I dream, it hurts. It hurts because I haven’t realized any of my dreams in 31 years of living. That’s kind of sad. It hurts also because when I allowed myself to believe I had some of my dreams, I was wrong. The dreams became nightmares. They became a way of keeping me in a place I didn’t want to be anymore. They were used against me as a way of controlling me beyond any measure of d/s or m/s. They were used to subjugate me, and the ones that would have built me up were denied me (writing, web site, mailing lists, etc). Ron wants me to dream and fantasize, which is nice. So I tried very hard to dream a bit today and what I dreamt was a bit unsettling. I dreamt of being with Ron 20 years from now and still loving him and him still loving me. It was a nice dream until I realized I was collared and suddenly I got scared and forced myself to think of something else. But at least I tried which is a good thing.
Ron asked me if I was feeling pressure from him today. Pressure to take a collar and stuff like that. No I’m not feeling pressure from him, but am feeling it from myself. I have little to no patience with myself when I am hurt or fucked up inside. I want it all better and I want it better yesterday. Not next week, or next year…now! I am pushing myself when I know I shouldn’t because I want to be better. And that is so very wrong of me. To push myself into doing things I am not fully ready to do, I would be undermining everything and that wouldn’t be fair to Ron now would it? nope it wouldn’t be. I need to give myself the time I need to relax and work through a lot of the shit that is left over from Jack. But I find that whenever I think of Jack's and my relationship, I get depressed and I hate feeling depressed. Unfortunately, I have to think about what happened with him if I am ever to get over it, don’t I? Least, that’s how I’ve always worked in the past. Hell when LK and I broke up there were many journal entries about him and I and our relationship. Many discussions about it. When I returned Ron’s collar I was still writing entries about him 3 months later. And now, I am trying to get over Jack by ignoring it. It isn’t working. I guess I need to face it, and not hide it in the shadows. It happened and I have to deal with it. Running from it, and doing stupid shit in an attempt to “ignore” or “erase” it will not work. That will only backfire on me I think. But it hurts so much to think about it, to remember it. I end up crying and I hate crying. I end up berating mayself for allowing anyone to abuse me again. I end up feeling completely ashamed and so fucking guilty. Why does the victim always feel responsible for what the abuser did? I know mentaly that its because the abuser makes it so the victim will take the blame for anything, literaly anything...that way they can control the victim better and never have to admit to their own mistakes..they put it all on the victim's shoulders and the victim accepts it.
Jack could sometimes be a good guy. There were many times, mostly in the beginning and before I got there, that he would listen to me. Offered me support, compassion, understanding and advice. I can’t forget those times. And because of my soft heart, I can’t help but continue to believe that the man who he was then, is still in there somewhere. No matter the evidence I have to the contrary. I remember times like when my back freaked out and I had a pain crisis on Christmas. He never left my side. He did everything he could to make me feel better, to somehow make the pain less. Then he made me go to the ER. Or the time that my son almost died. How he was with me every minute up in the hospital. How he cried when I got back from the emergency room after my son was taken by hellicopter and on a respirator, and the look on my face made him think I was going to say that my son had died. How he lost his cool and just started bawling. Then how he absolutely refused to let anyone but him go to the hospital with me. How he stood beside me at the bedside the entire time, holding my hand or holding me and telling me everything would be ok that he would be there for me. How he refused to let me go into surgery without him there and how he was the first face I saw when I woke up in the recovery room. How he used to bring me roses or leave me little I love you notes on the computer screen. How we planted a garden together. How we worked on the business together (and sometimes got along doing it)
You know what?? I just listed the nice things the man did, and when I read over them I realize that those are about it for a year and a half. That’s pretty sad. That’s a real short list for such a long period of time. The list of bad things he did is a lot longer. The punishments for no reason, the arguments he would pick with me just because he was tired or cranky or in a bad mood or needing extra energy by getting angry, the punishments for someone else's mistakes, the made up errors just so he could punish me because he wanted to give me pain (he is a sadist).. The insults he would throw at me or anyone else for no reason. The irrational mood swings. How he would break things when he was angry. The total withdrawls of attention, without any reason being given. The lack of communication as time went on. The total lack of trust. The way he isolated me from everyone. The way he would put down everything I did that took my attention away from him or the house (except for cross stitching which I think was ok with him because I was in the house when I did it and not talking to other people), which were all those things he said he was so proud of me for when I first got there. The way he just dropped the entire relationship without any explanation. The way he would always make me feel stupid and small. The way he was never satisfied with anything I did no matter how hard I tried, even when I did exactly what he asked me to do. The way he would push my back every day, then punish me for the one time I pushed it myself. The way he would put me down for giving in to my back no matter how much I hurt. The wy he would punish me for NOT giving in to my back no matter how much it hurt. The way I never could win no matter what I did, how hard I tried, or anything else. I was always wrong, never doing anything right even when I did exactly what he told me to do. How I came to feel nothing but fear of him and obeyed out of that fear. The fear drove me to desperate attempts to please him. making me accept stuff I didn't want to accept and that I was told would not be part of the relationship. Things I had placed hard limits on, I threw out all my limits and adopted only his, becuase that's what he wanted. How he belittled me for everything he once said he loved about me. How he hated my intelligence, my capability, my independence and my strength; all things he had praised so highly before and stated as being the qualities he wanted/needed in a slave. How he tried so hard to make a door mat out of me. How he always put down his own son. How he always insulted his wife. How he is so fucking blind to his own goddamned mistakes. How he thinks he is so fucking perfect that his shit don’t stink. How he never sees what he does and never will.
That is so sad. The man is completely fucked. And I still give a damn. Why is that? Am I really that soft? And how do I change that? I am angry at him now, which is a good thing I think. He deserves my anger. He did a lot of really nasty shit to me and deserves my anger. I am the kind of person that will always care about other people it seems. No matter what I’ve been through and no matter how much I’ve been hurt, I always continue to care about others. This is a good thing. It means I can’t be made into a cynical old bitch, at least I hope that's what it means. I never want to be so cold that I hate other people. And I guess this proves that I never will be. Least I hope I never will be.
I do feel better now than I did earlier. I guess I am learning again how to release my feelings so my mind can actually make sense of my thoughts. This is a good thing. Another good thing is that Ron likes to talk to me about everything, including our relationship. It is a relationship, no matter what we say to each other about it. It is not a formal d/s one however, not even a formal boyfriend/girlfriend one, I can't think of a label that would fit it and that’s ok. He says we're friends with benefits. It probably will be formalized if given enough time and if I don't run away. I think Ron is right, I have to relax and let things take their own course. Something I am not very good at, but it is probably the only way he and I will have a chance at anything good between us. Pushing myself to do things I am not ready to do will only undermine our relationship and make me run from him in fear. So I guess it means I have to learn to relax.
Ron wants me to trust him. And I do trust him quite a bit already. I trust him not to hurt me physically. I trust him with my children because I already know he's a good father. I trust him with some of my feelings and thoughts. The rest will come in time I am sure. Specially if he stays the way he is. I don’t mean that I expect him to never get upset or anything like that. It just means that so long as he doesn’t become an asshole, I don’t see any reason I wouldn’t trust him more and more as time goes on. He continues to tell me he is patient and that he is willing to wait. But I also know what he wants and that he is working towards those goals whether he is doing it consciously or not. I already know the man is patient. He has proven that many times over. He has a lot more patience than I do. Which is probably a good thing.
I’m actually beginning to feel tired so I think I will stop here for now. I think I will try to write more often so feelings don’t build up so much inside me like they did today.
July 14, 2000 Friday 12:53 AM
Been an interesting day today. Ron took me to the mall to look at possible collars. I freaked out. Got all tense and scared. I couldn’t do it. I was actualy shaking in the store! It helped that there weren’t any that I liked. But I got cranky when we got home after that. Which I don’t like at all. Makes it worse is that I snapped at Ayli over something I normally wouldn’t have snapped about. Talk about feeling guilty. She stayed away from me for a few hours, I can’t really blame her. I hurt her feelings and I know I did. But I couldn’t help it. We did talk and she understood, which was very nice.
My mind is running a million miles a minute. I am hurting inside and depressed. Not a good combination. I’m not exactly sure why other than because I told Ron no to a collar. Asked him to wait, that I couldn’t handle it yet. I felt very guilty about that because I had said yes, now I’m saying no. Which is not fair and I’m sure it hurt him. Though he said he wasn’t mad, which is odd to me. He should be mad. Least I would think he’d be mad. I probably would be if I were him. But I’m not him, which is probably a good thing. I just got so very scared about everything. It isn’t Ron I’m afraid of, it’s what he’s offering and what he stands for that scares me. I mean, he keeps talking about how much he loves me, how great I am and how long he wants to be with me. That he expects things to go wonderfully between us and I find myself just waiting for things to fall apart. For the other shoe to fall. For me to fuck up and him to hate me for it. I know that’s silly. My mind knows all that, but it doesn’t change how I feel. Which really really sucks. But I can’t seem to change how I feel no matter how hard I try. Then I get mad at myself for feeling this way. And I get mad at Jack for making it possible for me to feel this way. I hate it so much it isn’t funny. I sit here and I wonder why I even bothered to come here. I sit here waiting for Ron to get pissed at me and ask me to leave, or just tell me to leave. I sit here scared shit to do or say anything, not because he will yell, but because he won’t. And I don’t seem to have any self-control over my mouth anymore because he doesn’t get mad at me. It’s all very confusing and I hate being confused as much as I hate hurting inside. I can’t even put how I feel into words other than I feel broken. Very much broken. ANd I don't mean my back. Submission was part of how I defined myself. It came so easily to me, so naturally. I loved it and loved myself when I was submitting. Now? The very idea of kneeling before ANYONE scares me so bad I want to throw up. The very thought of feeling a collar on my neck paralyzed me and I can't think or talk, my mind is just blank and all I can do is shake.
I’ve gotten back online and found that even typing in a stupid IRC serve is something I have to force myself to do now. Which is even dumber. It’s like part of my mind has completely shut off any show of submission at all. Even silly things like IRC serves. I find myself fighting against any feeling of submitting to Ron and wanting to tell him NO to everything just because I’m afraid to say yes. I find myself smart mouthing way past my own limits because I want a reaction from him. I want to know what will happen if I piss him off. I want to know how much he will take before he reigns me in. Yet, I don’t give him the right to reign me in. It’s pretty stupid, shallow and mean of me. But I’m not doing it on purpose. I find myself doing it without thinking which is even worse I think. I realize it after I've done it and then berate myself for doing it. Once again I feel ashamed of myself, my desires, my behavior, everything. I'm terrified to let myself be who I really am, everytime I try I freak out.
I feel the need to write but nothing really seems to want to make any sense. I’m not sure why. hmmmm..maybe poems?
broken heart
shattered dreams
scarred soul
eyes blinded
mind closed
nowhere else to go
wander fields of pain
travel shadowed paths
mapped by confusion
nothing to gain
the past mars the present
dissolving any future
doomed to ever wander
corridors with no aim
end
heart filled with sorrow
of days long past
angry words once spoken
hateful words once spat
wounded soul left over
scared of a new day
confused
alone
mind weary of grief
the past remains present
no matter the tears I weep
END
Many lessons learned
old fears returned
darkness surrounds me
soul dipped in pain
eyes swallowed by tears
mind frozen by shame
end
thinking of the past
anger overwhelmes
hurtful deeds
hateful words
each one remembered
fuels the anger
thinking of the past
confusion fills me
why this?
Why that?
why me?
No answers coming
thinking of the past
fear consumes me
cold
lonely
empty
no hope I can see
END
All I had
once was yours
changed to fit you
failed that quest
all I had
I gave to you
Everything I could
I did for you
Try as I might
nothing was enough
confusion now reigns supreme
wondering why I tried
you took all I had
tore it apart
tossed it back
left a bleeding heart
no sign of remorse
no, not from you
END
Sometimes I wonder why people have to live through so much shit in their lives. It just doesn’t seem fair. You love someone to the best of your abilities, and it isn’t enough for them. You do everything the best way that you can and it isn’t enough for them. In an m/s relationship, you submit everything to them, and they rip you apart in return. Is it a personal failing? Or is it a failing in the other person? Is it something wrong with them that they can’t see or accept the love from another person? That they can't handle the full submission they asked for and said they wanted? Why does it even matter to me? I mean come on, I know for a fact the shit that Jack pulled with me is flat out abusive. If it wasn't it wouldn't have caused the damage I'm now dealing with. I wouldn't be apologizing for everything from the time, to the weather, to someone else's mistakes. I know for a fact that he caused some serious problems inside me. I know all this, yet I still wonder why it all happened, I still blame myself like he taught me to. Looking to myself to see what I did wrong. Yet, I can’t find much. Other than I made a bad decision, didn’t trust my instincts. I should have known better.
Words once said
spoke to my dreams
binding my soul
promises made
woke hope in my soul
tied my heart to yours
the words were lies
the promises broken
my heart shattered
soul torn
I mourn for what could have been
what once was
what never was
those sweet words you spoke
gilt promises you couldn’t keep
mourn for all I’ve lost
to your lying ways
end
silver tongued fool
speak words untrue
bind people to you
blinded to the truth
sweet words of love
mask your poisonous soul
promises for the future
only empty words
END
there is power in words
ideas realized
fantasies come to life
dreams take form
hope takes flight
words weave a spell
magic of their own
words beget emotions
from a never ending well
words cause more damage
leaving deeper scars
then knife, gun or fist
END
Simple messages conveyed
emotions woken
yearnings stirred
by a few simple words
END
Time heals everything
so people say
healing takes effort
every single day
overcome past hurts
resolve the anger
face the ghosts
ban them forever
time alone heals nothing
desire
effort
patience
mixed with time
will heal any hurt
even mine
END
a new day dawns
ready or not
each day a struggle
with fear you have wrought
each moment in time
tried to deny
fears that are mine
each hour passes
a new fight begins
END
time passes slowly
for a heart heavy with grief
each moment reminds me
of tears I can’t weep
days merge together
no beginning or end
lost to the fear
clouding my head
END
Everything I had
all that I was
all I could be
I gave to you
All that you wanted
became all I needed
Everything you dreamed of
I dreamt of too
Everything you desired
I strived to fulfill
Everything you craved
I tried to supply
Gave up myself
to be what you wanted
Eventually I realized
you could not be satisfied
Now I’m left wondering
who am I?
END
Well I feel calmer now. So I guess that helped. I suppose this is a good thing. I haven’t done that in a while. I showed the poems to Ayli and she said there is no hope or light in them. I am not feeling much hope or light right now, so I wrote what I felt. She said she understood that.
I just realized I wrote the beginnings of 13 new poems in the space of an hour. I haven’t done that in a while. I guess I needed the release and I needed it badly. It helped me.
Ron is sleeping now. I feel very guilty for not being able to give him what he wants so badly. But I can’t give it yet. I am hoping I will be able to give it to him some day, but for now, I just can’t. And honestly, I don't know if I ever will be able to submit again with that same ease I did before. I am still too hurt and scared of myself to do it. I am afraid of being hurt and afraid of tearing myself apart again for no reason. I am afraid to submit because it is so easy to use submission and really hurt me. I don’t want Ron to think I don’t love him, because I do and I have for years. But I am afraid of how I feel because it makes me want to do things for him and be sub to him and that is scary. But when I try, I freak out. He is so patient and I apprecaite that, but I worry that he may eventually feel that I am taking advantage of his patience and his love for me. Sometimes I wonder if I am doing that. I know I’m using his patience to give myself the time I need so badly right now but I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I just hope he doesn’t think I’m using him in a bad way if you know what I mean.
He asked me what I dream of and I couldn’t answer him. Partly because I haven’t allowed myself to dream much in the past 9 months or so. That’s because my dreams would never come true and I knew it so it hurt less to just not dream at all. But I do have my dreams, they are locked up in the back of my mind, nice and safe there. Every once in a while I look at them and put them back, just to make sure they are still there. I dream of being off social security. I dream of having a home. I dream of having someone I can love and who will love me back. I dream of having Sam all better. I dream of owning a mustang. I dream of getting married some day and this time having it work. I dream of being able to trust someone and know that no matter what happens, they won’t desert me. I dream of being a writer. I dream of being a pharmacist. I dream of cuddling, and talking. I dream of being good for the world somehow. I dream of being a good mother. I dream of my kids when they get older. I dream of owning my own business. I dream of submitting to someone who won’t take advantage of what I am. I dream of being happy. I dream of being loved. I dream of being safe inside myself. I dream of being myself. I dream of so many different things. When I think of what I dream, it hurts. It hurts because I haven’t realized any of my dreams in 31 years of living. That’s kind of sad. It hurts also because when I allowed myself to believe I had some of my dreams, I was wrong. The dreams became nightmares. They became a way of keeping me in a place I didn’t want to be anymore. They were used against me as a way of controlling me beyond any measure of d/s or m/s. They were used to subjugate me, and the ones that would have built me up were denied me (writing, web site, mailing lists, etc). Ron wants me to dream and fantasize, which is nice. So I tried very hard to dream a bit today and what I dreamt was a bit unsettling. I dreamt of being with Ron 20 years from now and still loving him and him still loving me. It was a nice dream until I realized I was collared and suddenly I got scared and forced myself to think of something else. But at least I tried which is a good thing.
Ron asked me if I was feeling pressure from him today. Pressure to take a collar and stuff like that. No I’m not feeling pressure from him, but am feeling it from myself. I have little to no patience with myself when I am hurt or fucked up inside. I want it all better and I want it better yesterday. Not next week, or next year…now! I am pushing myself when I know I shouldn’t because I want to be better. And that is so very wrong of me. To push myself into doing things I am not fully ready to do, I would be undermining everything and that wouldn’t be fair to Ron now would it? nope it wouldn’t be. I need to give myself the time I need to relax and work through a lot of the shit that is left over from Jack. But I find that whenever I think of Jack's and my relationship, I get depressed and I hate feeling depressed. Unfortunately, I have to think about what happened with him if I am ever to get over it, don’t I? Least, that’s how I’ve always worked in the past. Hell when LK and I broke up there were many journal entries about him and I and our relationship. Many discussions about it. When I returned Ron’s collar I was still writing entries about him 3 months later. And now, I am trying to get over Jack by ignoring it. It isn’t working. I guess I need to face it, and not hide it in the shadows. It happened and I have to deal with it. Running from it, and doing stupid shit in an attempt to “ignore” or “erase” it will not work. That will only backfire on me I think. But it hurts so much to think about it, to remember it. I end up crying and I hate crying. I end up berating mayself for allowing anyone to abuse me again. I end up feeling completely ashamed and so fucking guilty. Why does the victim always feel responsible for what the abuser did? I know mentaly that its because the abuser makes it so the victim will take the blame for anything, literaly anything...that way they can control the victim better and never have to admit to their own mistakes..they put it all on the victim's shoulders and the victim accepts it.
Jack could sometimes be a good guy. There were many times, mostly in the beginning and before I got there, that he would listen to me. Offered me support, compassion, understanding and advice. I can’t forget those times. And because of my soft heart, I can’t help but continue to believe that the man who he was then, is still in there somewhere. No matter the evidence I have to the contrary. I remember times like when my back freaked out and I had a pain crisis on Christmas. He never left my side. He did everything he could to make me feel better, to somehow make the pain less. Then he made me go to the ER. Or the time that my son almost died. How he was with me every minute up in the hospital. How he cried when I got back from the emergency room after my son was taken by hellicopter and on a respirator, and the look on my face made him think I was going to say that my son had died. How he lost his cool and just started bawling. Then how he absolutely refused to let anyone but him go to the hospital with me. How he stood beside me at the bedside the entire time, holding my hand or holding me and telling me everything would be ok that he would be there for me. How he refused to let me go into surgery without him there and how he was the first face I saw when I woke up in the recovery room. How he used to bring me roses or leave me little I love you notes on the computer screen. How we planted a garden together. How we worked on the business together (and sometimes got along doing it)
You know what?? I just listed the nice things the man did, and when I read over them I realize that those are about it for a year and a half. That’s pretty sad. That’s a real short list for such a long period of time. The list of bad things he did is a lot longer. The punishments for no reason, the arguments he would pick with me just because he was tired or cranky or in a bad mood or needing extra energy by getting angry, the punishments for someone else's mistakes, the made up errors just so he could punish me because he wanted to give me pain (he is a sadist).. The insults he would throw at me or anyone else for no reason. The irrational mood swings. How he would break things when he was angry. The total withdrawls of attention, without any reason being given. The lack of communication as time went on. The total lack of trust. The way he isolated me from everyone. The way he would put down everything I did that took my attention away from him or the house (except for cross stitching which I think was ok with him because I was in the house when I did it and not talking to other people), which were all those things he said he was so proud of me for when I first got there. The way he just dropped the entire relationship without any explanation. The way he would always make me feel stupid and small. The way he was never satisfied with anything I did no matter how hard I tried, even when I did exactly what he asked me to do. The way he would push my back every day, then punish me for the one time I pushed it myself. The way he would put me down for giving in to my back no matter how much I hurt. The wy he would punish me for NOT giving in to my back no matter how much it hurt. The way I never could win no matter what I did, how hard I tried, or anything else. I was always wrong, never doing anything right even when I did exactly what he told me to do. How I came to feel nothing but fear of him and obeyed out of that fear. The fear drove me to desperate attempts to please him. making me accept stuff I didn't want to accept and that I was told would not be part of the relationship. Things I had placed hard limits on, I threw out all my limits and adopted only his, becuase that's what he wanted. How he belittled me for everything he once said he loved about me. How he hated my intelligence, my capability, my independence and my strength; all things he had praised so highly before and stated as being the qualities he wanted/needed in a slave. How he tried so hard to make a door mat out of me. How he always put down his own son. How he always insulted his wife. How he is so fucking blind to his own goddamned mistakes. How he thinks he is so fucking perfect that his shit don’t stink. How he never sees what he does and never will.
That is so sad. The man is completely fucked. And I still give a damn. Why is that? Am I really that soft? And how do I change that? I am angry at him now, which is a good thing I think. He deserves my anger. He did a lot of really nasty shit to me and deserves my anger. I am the kind of person that will always care about other people it seems. No matter what I’ve been through and no matter how much I’ve been hurt, I always continue to care about others. This is a good thing. It means I can’t be made into a cynical old bitch, at least I hope that's what it means. I never want to be so cold that I hate other people. And I guess this proves that I never will be. Least I hope I never will be.
I do feel better now than I did earlier. I guess I am learning again how to release my feelings so my mind can actually make sense of my thoughts. This is a good thing. Another good thing is that Ron likes to talk to me about everything, including our relationship. It is a relationship, no matter what we say to each other about it. It is not a formal d/s one however, not even a formal boyfriend/girlfriend one, I can't think of a label that would fit it and that’s ok. He says we're friends with benefits. It probably will be formalized if given enough time and if I don't run away. I think Ron is right, I have to relax and let things take their own course. Something I am not very good at, but it is probably the only way he and I will have a chance at anything good between us. Pushing myself to do things I am not ready to do will only undermine our relationship and make me run from him in fear. So I guess it means I have to learn to relax.
Ron wants me to trust him. And I do trust him quite a bit already. I trust him not to hurt me physically. I trust him with my children because I already know he's a good father. I trust him with some of my feelings and thoughts. The rest will come in time I am sure. Specially if he stays the way he is. I don’t mean that I expect him to never get upset or anything like that. It just means that so long as he doesn’t become an asshole, I don’t see any reason I wouldn’t trust him more and more as time goes on. He continues to tell me he is patient and that he is willing to wait. But I also know what he wants and that he is working towards those goals whether he is doing it consciously or not. I already know the man is patient. He has proven that many times over. He has a lot more patience than I do. Which is probably a good thing.
I’m actually beginning to feel tired so I think I will stop here for now. I think I will try to write more often so feelings don’t build up so much inside me like they did today.
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