Driving Myself Nuts Again

I am driving myself nuts again..but I suppose that is nothing new. For the past 2 1/2 years I have been unable to complete an article on bdsm, or any topic for that matter. I have been unable to alow myself to enjoy submission and service beyond a few days or couple weeks at a time. I still find it all but impossible to engage in any intellectual discussion on a mailing list (including my own lists). All of these things have always been important to me. Writing, in any format, has always been a great outlet for me. As well it has always been a way for me to pass along what I know to others, and I used to be real good at finding a way to explain the concept at hand so that my listener would understand it, whatever that concept was. Now, I'm lucky if I can string two sentences together that make sense without writing multiple apologies for bothering people with my opinions or thoughts. most of the time, I just don't bother to respond at all. I have about 8 rough draft articles, that I just can't finish. I pull one up on the screen and try to do the fleshing out, but my mind goes blank and I almost panic. I just can't write a single word. So I put it away and hope that with a bit more time I will be able to go back to doing something I really loved and was good at. I don't believe I am good at it anymore. I don't believe I'm good at any of those things anymore. Its driving me crazy. Hell I'd be happy to just be able to write half a paragraph, even if it sucked, but I can't even do that. Its like I run into a blank wall. And my writing isn't the only thing that runs into that blank wall either. I used to greatly enjoy discussing things on mailing lists. now I don't bother because I get that wall and can't figure out how to say what I want to so. That's coupled with feeling like I have nothing important to say. That anything I do say doesn't matter. Its stupid and probably wrong. Where the heck did my self confidence go and how do I get it back?

I've alreayd written about my problems with submission. But this morning its bothering me again. It all used to come so easy. I knew what I was, who I was and knew I was good at it too. Now I'm back to where I was 6 years ago and I don't know how to fix it. I'm begining to think that I can't fix it, that's its gone and will stay that way. I can't even say for sure that its fear because I don't know what it is. Its just a blank wall, it just stops. I guess my mind has just decided that allowing myself to be that vulnerable to another human being again is not worth it and it won't let me take the risk no matter how badly I want to. I am still afraid of finding myself in a similar situation to the one with Jack, I can't deny that. I continue to act in ways that are self protective, mostly mentally and emotionally. I'm afriad of being ridiculed, punished for having thoughts or feelings (no matter how they are expressed, whether they're expressed within the rules or not). I'm still afraid of being left alone, or just "dropped".

This sucks.