Learning to keep my mouth shut and not argue with Jack was one of the first things he really pressured into me. There are constant remarks in my journals about keeping my mouth shut, fearing to defend myself even when he was obviously wrong, and things like that. It's scary to realize just how quickly I backed off from him. It didn't take long. Within the first few weeks of my being there, I learned that disagreeing with Jack was a bad idea, both for me mentally/emotionally and physically.
Exerpts from my journals
Jan. 19, 1999 Tues. 11:59 PM
I already learned that if I try to defend myself or correct him when he is assuming something I get told I'm worked up and need to calm down. Or I get the look which tells me to just shut up. So I make fewer attempts to speak my side and just keep my mouth shut because it's safer for my ass. Though I suppose dumping it out on these pages is opening my mouth. I've been censoring what I write beacuse I don't want to argue with Jack. I almost died when he admitted he was wrong about something today. I think it was forgiveness or something like that. yeah. he said he doesn't forgive people and I corrected him. He said I was right. I watch the way he talks to Doe sometimes. I wonder what the hell he is doing. Today he gave us a list of 10 things to do. We did 8 of them. Doe busted her ass cleaning this damn house and doing the things Jack said he wanted done but didn't write on the list. If he told Doe she did good, I didn't hear it. I did hear him remark about the bills not being tacked up. I offered to do the bill thing but Doe said no, she had done everything else and the bill thing could wait until tomorrow. Doe physically hurt herself, was in pain and limping from doing all the things he wanted done. Jack did not say thank you, least not that I heard. After dinner, the kids had forgotten a few dishs. It was obvious Doe was hurting and rather than tell her to sit down and relax Jack told her to shut up and clean it. I got very angry at that but managed to keep my mouth shut.
END Of Journal Entry Exerpt
By January 23, Jack was demanding full control of my money. He wanted me to have it deposited into his checking account.At first I fought him on this, but eventually I gave in. Mostly because he used guilt against me.By this same date, I was wearing his collar. No real discussion of it, he ordered me to wear it at night. He said it was to remind me that I am sub, since I was having trouble feeling sub since the fusion had broken. But once I started wearing it, he began acting as if he were my Master, and I stupidly responded that way. By the end of February I was peirced and totally owned. I can't believe how quickly it all moved. I mean, I arrived in December and by February, it was all basically a done deal. Re-reading my journals, I can see where I felt overwhelmed and scared by all of it. I mentioned feeling that way more than once. But Jack just kept pushing things, said it was in response to the blatant need in my eyes to submit. I don't know for sure anymore. We argued pretty much from the get go, but it got worse and worse. Whenever he was angry, he would pull away and go silent. Most of the time he didn't even tell me why he was pissed at me, or what I had done wrong. He would start saying things in a sarcastic manner, cracking jokes and stuff, but as soon as I did the same in return, he got pissed and I got punished. I remember one day where he literally punished me every time I moved. By the afternoon I was hiding from him, afraid to even breathe, terrified he would say "bedroom!" and I'd find myself getting my ass busted yet again. Things were just such a mess.
Well I'm not really in the mood to be blogging about this, and my thoughts are rather confused, so I'll stop here.
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