So many things from that year have affected me, and still affect me. I do not like knowing this, but today was a major example of it. A simple joke, that I should have taken as a joke, instead hurt my feelings and made me cry. All because I felt I was being told that I was irresponsible and useless, which my logical mind knows to be untrue. But so many times I sat there and was yelled at, told i was stupid, didn't pay attention to what I was doing and couldn't get things right, especially when it came to money. Those insults far outwieghed the occasional compliments. What really sucks is I know I'm good with money, and accounts, and budgets and all that. I know this for a fact. Yet, whenever someone happens to make me feel even a small bit like I suck at it, those feelings overwhelm what I already know to be true. And I know what that is from. It's from reaching a point where I totally believed I was as bad as Jack kept telling me I was, and kept punishing me for trying to correct it, but never being able to.
Why do people find it so neccessary to destroy the security and self esteem of others? I realize that it makes them easier to control. Flat out, someone who views themselves in a bad way are easier to control, they're more apt to do whatever they are told to do. More apt to take verbal and physical abuse above and beyond what someone with a secure self esteem will accept. So removing self esteem is the way to go to keep people in control. But it leaves such painful results behind. I do not understand why someone would want to hurt people this badly. But then I never have totally understood the mind or intentions behind a person who is abusive. That's probably because I personally can't conceive of deliberately hurting someone that I care about this way.
I hate knowing that my past, and those wounds which are still fresh, will affect my present. I hate knowing that the people around me must pay for the wounds I am carrying within me. It just isn't fair to them. Though, they keep telling me it isn't a matter of fairness. That they understood what they were getting in to when they agreed to be with me. But, I can't help feeling guilty every time something triggers an irrational emotional response within me like that joke did this morning. And I sit and end up thinking about Jack and all the emotional turmoil he put me through. And the physical danger he put me in. Especially in the mornings when my back hurts so much and my legs won't move. I know that all that physical labor I did while with Jack contributed to the increased rate of degeneration in that disk. And I know that even though I did those things freely, that the decision was made under extreme duress. I knew that if I did not do the work he watned me to, I would have to listen to him insult me, and deal with his complete withdrawl, stony cold silences, and fuming anger. HIs irrational mood swings deeply affected how I did things and why I did them. Had I been completely myself, and made the choice of whether or not to work in that mindset, I would not have pushed myself anywhere near the level that I did.
On the days that I refused to work, because I was in so much pain, the hell everyone in the house had to put up with was horrible. And I felt guilty. Jack would play on that guilt and tell me how difficult the day was for him without me helping him, and how he missed me being in the truck with him. Or he'd get angry and withdrawn, sitting on the couch and glaring at everyone. Not speaking a single word to me, and not telling me why. Or he'd tell me I was just being lazy and loafing around in bed all day. Such hurtful things that I began to feel taht if i did not work all the time, the way he did, I would have to pay a very high price. A couple times, on the days I could nto physically work, he would make up reasons to bust my ass. and THat was even worse. I knew I was being punished for not working because many of the things he came up with were things I did not actually do, nor did anyone in the house do them. So he got what he wanted, and I am paying the price for it now.
I do not like knowing how easily I was duped by him. Nor how easily I was subjugated. Knowing just how easily I fell back into the abusive mindset of a battered woman, is a very scary realization. It means that I can very easily be put back in that mindset in the future. This knowledge sometimes makes it difficult for me to be as submissive as I want to be, out of pure fear of being hurt. This bothers me. It is getting better, but it is also still there. Hopefully, with time, things will start to even out, and the wounds willl heal.
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