We did some clean up of the hard drive on my computer the other night. Ron went through his folders and came accross a bunch of emails I had written him in January of 2000 when I was in Arizona and things were at their worst. At one point he had asked me to write him a letter about what was bothering me, if I thought it would help me to do so. I wrote a journal entry on the computer instead beacuse the letter format just wouldn't work. His face got real serious when he read it again the other night. He asked if I wanted to read it and I said yes. I started reading it and my eyes filled with tears. It still hurts a great deal. Not so much because of the specific actions on Jack's part anymore but moreso it hurt me to so visibly see the differences in me at that time and me now. My writing style then was stilted and the choice of words was very blatantly cautious. It still hurts me from time to time to see how deeply I had changed. How easily I let myself return to a state of despair, depression and self-loathing that I had sworn to never do again. That I had honestly believed I would not be a victim of abuse again, but I was. I think that in some ways my belief that it would never happen to me again is what made it possible for me to let it get as far as it did before I could finally accept it and face it. I know that I am lucky I faced it at all. I'm pretty sure that if I had continued to deny it, I would have killed myself before too much longer. Knowing that makes me angry at myself. especially since I first used the word abusive to describe Jack a year before I finally left. I used it in my journal and it prompted a major fight between us. Anyway...I am angry with myself for continuing to deny what was happening. Sometimes I think it will always hurt me on some level to look back on that time in my life. I do wonder if I am misplacing my anger onto myself rather than on Jack where it belongs. At this point, I am more upset wiht myself for letting it happen than I am at Jack for doing it. I wonder how much of that is because it seems he has made some fundamental changes in himself, so I somehow feel like I can't blame him or be angry with him now that he is trying to not only see why.

OK stopping here.

I talked with Jack via ICQ the other day and we had an interesting discussion. I was floored by some of what he said and it's been playing through my mind since we talked. I told him that I hesitate to answer his questions or make comments sometimes because I still fear angering him. I didn't even think of it before I typed it but once the words were out they hit me like a ton of bricks. I do still worry about pissing him off and I feel stupid for it. He told me that he has any prospective play partners read this blog. He said that being told he was dangerous made him open his eyes a bit and he read this blog carefully. He said he could see that he does have a side to him that is dangerous and all that. I didn't know how to respond to any of it. He also said he felt badly that I still fear his response and fear pissing him off. It gave me a twinge of guilt which was rather odd as well. I still am not completely sure how I feel about his turn around on the topic of our former relationship. A year ago it was all my fault, I was a rotten submissive, I didnt do enough, I expected too much, etc etc. Now, he says he is "seeing" what he did. It's interesting I suppose.

I have thought of deleting the entire blog from the server. The reasons I put it up were/are good ones, but I'm not sure it's a good idea anymore. I'll have to give that more thought before I decide.