Jack contacted me the other day. He said some things that totally shocked me. He said I was a wonderful woman and very submissive and things along those lines. This is a complete 180 from the viewpoint he held just a few short months ago when he said everything was entirely my fault and tossed in some pretty horrendous insults. The biggest shock though came when he asked for my help in editing a file he is writing supposedly to seek "help" from others out there. he said he was going to outline how he thinks he failed me and what he is doing to change those things now and ask for advice to find other ways of growing. I just didn't get it. He couldn't explain what happened to make him change his mind about the relationship or about me. I have to admit I am very wary of his "new" attitude. I've seen it with him so many times before when he said he would do things differently. None of those promises ever came true. He might change for a short period of time and try to be better, but it never lasted very long and when he crashed, he crashed hard. It usually preceded at least a few days long worth of arguments, attitude and cruelty. Then he'd go right back to being his usual uninvolved self. I never could get the hang of his mood swings, though his wife apparently did because she is still with him after 24 years. They have an extremely weird marriage. I do hope, for his sake and that of his wife and son, that he truly desires to change and clearly sees his own abusive behavior for what it's worth, nothing; before it is too late to salvage anythihng

I've been doing alot of thinking. My relationship with Ron is changing again, growing, become stronger in the power exchange areas. At first, I started rebelling. Why? fear. I was very scared of submitting my will to Ron's and scared of submitting my heart. Afraid he would take it all away from me once I got used to it. Afraid I wouldn't be good enough, sub enough, or anything else. I knew those fears come partly from the relationship with Jack. This angered me because I try so hard not to let that crap from Jack affect my relationship with Ron, but the lessons I learned are still there. I learned to keep my mouth shut and it's been difficult to open up and talk with Ron about things that mean alot to me somehow. Like wanting a spanking just to feel the pain and the heat afterwards. I am afraid to tell him that verbally. I do however bite the bullet and force myself to write the things I'm afraid to say in my journal, knowing he will read them there and thus I've "told" him. I am hoping that the time will come where I will be able to talk to him verbally and feel okay about it. But I still react like I did when I was with Jack, not as intensely but it's still there. The coldness in the pit of my belly, my mind gets fuzzy and I just can't talk. Paralyzed with fear that if I do open my mouth he'll be pissed at me and ignore me for a few days, or he'll be pissed at me and bust my ass for whatever I said. Or he'll accuse me of topping from the bottom because I said I needed a hug. Or he'll accuse me of manipulating him because I said I was sad or something. These fears are things I could happily live without but I think they are going to take more time. It is so difficult to undo the behavior I learned with Jack, to undo the reactions I learned to have with Jack. Often when people look at abuse what they see are the bruises and physical scars and once those are healed they think the victim is perfectly fine now. But that's not true. The emotional scars, the learned self protective behavior patterns, the fear based behavior/reactionary patterns are all still tehre, and those things take more time to correct. Some people find it easier to heal than others do. Some people never heal for whatever reason. I am one that takes a bit of time, but I am making progress. Hopefully the day will come where I don't dream of Jack's silences, irrational rages and mood swings at night anymore then wake up and find myself expecting Ron to act that way for the next couple of days.

I was holding back my mental and emotional submission to Ron out of fear. Fear caused by Jack abusing the mental and emotional submission I gave him. His will over rode mine in every thing. If he wanted something done, I did it, no matter what it was or how I personally felt about it. He didn't force me to do things I wasn't ready for, I will give him that. Like with the drinking his urine and golden shower thing, he brought the subject up and we talked about it off and on for a while. He waited for the "shock factor" to wear off, which it did. Then when he knew I had become very obedient to his orders, he ordered me to kneel naked in the shower stall and proceeded to urinate on me. I was scared at first, then I found that I enjoyed it. Partly because it felt good, warm and stuff. But mostly because when I opened my eyes and peeked at Jack the pure pleasure on his face turned me on. Same with drinking from him. Obeying him, gave me pleasure. Doing things for him, gave me pleasure. I want to have that same feeling of ownership, submission and pleasure again. But there is a mental block in my head. Fear of letting myself submit that deeply again and being hurt or manipulated like I was before. Sometimes realizing that this block is there really makes me angry at Jack. Sometimes I get angry at Jack for everything that happened. Other times I am grateful for the things he taught me, which he did teach me alot of things. I am better than I was however because my will is slowly submititng to Ron's. Hopefully this means that eventually I will not have this block anymore, and hopefully when that happens I will be free of the negative left overs from the relationship with Jack.

Sometimes I wonder if Jack ever realized, fully realized, how abusive he had become towards me. How opposite his stated desires were from the desires his actions said he wanted. I wonder if he has ever realized that what he was wanting is not a sub or a slave, but a doormat. I wonder if he has ever realized that spending 30 minutes belitting someone for no real reason is abusive. I doubt it. he has spent far too many years of his life doing these things, and to him they are normal and "right". It's sad really.

I know I haven't blogged in this particular blog in a while, but that's because I haven't really felt the need to. Tonight, I feel the need to. I decided to go through some of my old journals and pull out the poems I wrote that I never put on my hard drive. I found ones that I wrote on my birthday of 2000. Very depressing poems, but they speak volumes about the state of mind this relationship had me in.

These were written on Jan. 27, 2000
Death would be a welcome release
sweet succor
never ending sleep
no more pain
confusion gone
an end to floods of tears
tired of hurting
weary from trying
beaten by failure
surrounded by darkness
no means of escape
no means of relief
no hope of improvement
closeted in solitude
my world is empty
my heart cries
my soul has died
exhausted with life
'tis nothing but strife
heartache
pain
words cut like daggers
my mind maimed
crippled by fear
I sit holding the bottle
tiny white drops
provide release desperately sought
death would be welcome.
END

Why do I try?
Why do I care?
Why hope to fix it?
it's beyond repair
Discussion begets fights
nothing resolved
I sit and cry
you continue nonpulsed
I see no relief
no solutions in sight
no way to win
I pray the Lord take me
I can't bear this sin
I don't know what I"ve done
Why it began
I pray to the Lord
take me now.
END

This one was written on Jan. 19, 2000
Confusion, painm, anger
arguments, attacks, silence
always the same
guilt plagues my mind
for my human design
tears go unshed
wounds go unhealed
the cavern grows wider
silence prevails.
END

I sit and watch you sleep
eyes bright with unshed tears
you rest peacefully
nary a sign of nightmares
I watch in envy
how easily you sluimber
despite the mantle we're under
doubts plague me
my dreams filled with fear
nightmares prevail
END

These were written on May 27, 2000
effort matters not to you
your eyes sealed shut to the deeds others do
your heart stone cold to the love given you
Your mind locked tight against any belief but your own
a prisoner of your past
repeating the same pattern
destined to fail
no matter what happens
caged by your fears
you let no one near
instead you lash out
forever unfair
END

I gave you everything
you discarded it all
I blamed myself
tried every harder
you turned away
no explanations
no communication
cold silence is all
END


what a mess. I still find it hard to believe that I let someone screw me up that badly again. I am getting better though.