I finished that article, and for the first time in a few years it felt GREAT!! I am so very proud of the article, its one of my best I think. There seems to be a maturity to my writing that was not there before. I think its because of my experiences in the last 9 years, and how much I have changed from what I was before. I look back over the past 5 years and am amazed at how different I am now, from what I was in June 2000. Most of these changes have been for the good and I believe I am a much better person than I have ever been. As a slave, I have reached a place where my need to please, serve and such are very strong and they come naturally again. I do not have to force them, or coerce myself or anything, it just comes on its own. I missed that a great deal, but was terrified to do it again. Now, I'm not afraid and my desires are stronger than they were before.
I know I still have issues and areas that need work, but I know I will make it and some day those too will be gone.
Thursday, June 30, 2005
Friday, June 24, 2005
Working Out The Writing Problem
Well, Master has given me a new task. I am to work on one essay/article per week and preferably finish it. The finishing part depends on how far along the article is in rough draft form. He chose "Common Myths About Slaves and Slavery" as the first one since it is entirely written as a rough draft and just needs to be flushed out a bit and the re-written. If I do not have it completed by Friday night, I will be punished.
I have had to use the tape recorder a few times when thoughts came to mind, rather than trying to write them down and thus losing them. It has come in very handy and has helped me a great deal. I still feel afraid and nervous while I am writing, but at least I can still write. I think it is affecting the writing itself though. It seems to me that the article is convoluted and confusing in places and in others I missed the mark completely and I know it.
I find myself going back and forth between fear and anger over this whole thing. My mind knows Master won't yell at me, or manipulate me through fear over my writing, but my heart can't seem to believe it completely. I keep getting odd thoughts like "He's going to be mad that I'm sitting here wasting my time writing when there are other things I could do" and I keep expecting him to start yelling at me, or to take the notebook away. But all he does is smile when he sees me writing, and its a happy smile, not a sarcastic or snide one. Slowly I am relaxing about it and as this week has gone on, I've had less trouble writing with each day. Maybe this will work. I sure hope it does, I really do.
I miss writing and working on the web site on a regular basis. They were such a part of me, part of my identity, who and what I am. Without them something was missing, something large and I had no choice but to adjust to that. Now I'm trying to change it back, and it is really hard. The web site is like 6 months behind on updates, and I have something like 50 articles in varying stages of writing.
It pisses me off to no end, that one person...one measly little person, could so easily take away so much of what makes me Raven. That I allowed it to happen makes me every angrier. I knew what Jack was doing but I just couldn't admit it to myself. The idea that I was in such a situation again just blew my mind and I couldn't accept it. Its taken a real long time for me to get back to myself as far as I have and some things have changed for good most likely.
Master's patience, understanding and guidance have been so wonderful. Without them I don't think I would have healed as much as I have. Without him, I would have succeeded in shutting off my submissive nature out of self preservation. I am so glad to have him and so lucky too!
I have had to use the tape recorder a few times when thoughts came to mind, rather than trying to write them down and thus losing them. It has come in very handy and has helped me a great deal. I still feel afraid and nervous while I am writing, but at least I can still write. I think it is affecting the writing itself though. It seems to me that the article is convoluted and confusing in places and in others I missed the mark completely and I know it.
I find myself going back and forth between fear and anger over this whole thing. My mind knows Master won't yell at me, or manipulate me through fear over my writing, but my heart can't seem to believe it completely. I keep getting odd thoughts like "He's going to be mad that I'm sitting here wasting my time writing when there are other things I could do" and I keep expecting him to start yelling at me, or to take the notebook away. But all he does is smile when he sees me writing, and its a happy smile, not a sarcastic or snide one. Slowly I am relaxing about it and as this week has gone on, I've had less trouble writing with each day. Maybe this will work. I sure hope it does, I really do.
I miss writing and working on the web site on a regular basis. They were such a part of me, part of my identity, who and what I am. Without them something was missing, something large and I had no choice but to adjust to that. Now I'm trying to change it back, and it is really hard. The web site is like 6 months behind on updates, and I have something like 50 articles in varying stages of writing.
It pisses me off to no end, that one person...one measly little person, could so easily take away so much of what makes me Raven. That I allowed it to happen makes me every angrier. I knew what Jack was doing but I just couldn't admit it to myself. The idea that I was in such a situation again just blew my mind and I couldn't accept it. Its taken a real long time for me to get back to myself as far as I have and some things have changed for good most likely.
Master's patience, understanding and guidance have been so wonderful. Without them I don't think I would have healed as much as I have. Without him, I would have succeeded in shutting off my submissive nature out of self preservation. I am so glad to have him and so lucky too!
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